Marriage

Does anyone know of anything happening in Glasgow to help muslim males and females to find a marriage partner?

Salaam Crystal, There is a

Salaam Crystal,

There is a website link here match4muslim but there is no activity on it.. and I am afraid I am not aware of any Islamic organisation in Scotland.

I personally believe Imam's in the mosques should get together and address this issue in our Glasgow community because I am sure there are many single muslim male and females in a similar situation.

Best Wishes
Mehiq

There are various "aunties"

There are various "aunties" who do introductions. Sr Saaira still does them for a one-off fee as far as I know:

saaira_cm (at) hotmail .co .uk

Dear Admin/Crystal I have

Dear Admin/Crystal

I have come across Sister Saaira's matrimonial event she organised almost an year ago. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone it was very badly organised female to male ratio was 4:1 and I only got to speak to people younger and never got to speak to anyone my age or older.
Post event I tried to contact sister few times without success and then gave up!

So if you have any other contact you can give? I will pass on the details to my family to contact the auntee jees.

Looking forward
Best Wishes
Mehiq

Women always outnumber men in

Women always outnumber men in these events. Usually, the ratio is 2:1 or worse.

If you send me your email address through the Contact page, I'll try to get a number for you.

As salaamu alaykum There was

As salaamu alaykum

There was meant to be an event organised by a team from England who have had many successful events there.

Unfortunately more than triple sisters registered than brothers so the event had to be cancelled.

The organistation aim to organise another event but only if a solid number of brothers will register.

I think theres a lack of awareness of the issue so thats why alot of elders of the community are hesitant to get their children involved in such events which is really unfortunate...

Yes you are right its the

Yes you are right its the lack of awareness in our community.

BUT how come females always outnumber males in such gathering?

so are the females more keen to complete their deen and males are too busy playing sports OR too shy to make any effort but yet would go back home when hit their 30's!?

salaam ive just posted a few

salaam ive just posted a few comments on the Central Mosque notice board- there are so many muslims asking for this issue to be addressed- why are those in muslim community services not taking action?? im really saddened and shocked by the complete lack of empathy or concern exhibited by Mosques in general  and about the urgent need for establishing a marriage/matrimonial service- surely if a muslim wants to find a a partmer where else should one look, when all other avenues i.e. family/social circle etc have been exhausted..??
I've always found that Glasgow/Scotland has always  lagged behind when it comes to being proactive, forward thinking and socially conscious about their muslim community. It seems no one seems to care that single muslims are finding it difficult to find partners- the Mosque should be the first point of contact and they should be liasing with other community service representatives to provide these services for muslims. Is it any wonder we muslims are in such a dire state? It seems that Islam has been reduced to' music and meaning' ie. muslims are more concerned with their job status, image and competing with one another. Where is the spirituality? Arrogance and attiude from Mosque officials to Scholars -  there are deep seated problems within this community and these need to be addressed- I've found sadly that even those who are establishing educational organisations are using these pursuits for their own personal ambitions; Islam has become a 'cool' thing and everyone wants to jump on the bandwagon its become a form of  currency- there is no sincerity left in folk these days- I can remember more honesty and decency when I was growing up! There is no real concern or care directed towards those who truly need help and advice even on a general level within this community- esp from Mosques  its very saddening. A sign of the times..? Indeed. we can only pray.

Salaam everyone! Yes I have

Salaam everyone!

Yes I have read and responded to your comment on the Glasgow Mosque website.

I agree with you that Islam is the way of life and its very important that we implement it and be practicing the social aspects of it as well. If we really want to compete with each other then the solution is not in the flashy cars and status, its more so in coming forward to compete with doing good for the community and for our future generations.

We all as a muslims have duty to each other... Why are we always so divided when it comes to social aspect of our community?

I don't know what and if any benefit this will do to me and the sisters i know directly but I am willing to adress this in a hope that this will benefit someone one day, Insha'Allah.

I'll be making an email account for muslim male and females who are interested in this can at least start to register interest so Insha'Allah when we eventually or someone elderly eventually do organised such a gathering, everyone can be informed to make the most out of it.
Ofcourse, any suggestions, comments or advice is encouraged.

Best Regards,
Mehiq.

Assalamo Aleykum I have been

Assalamo Aleykum

I have been keeping an eye on the marriage forums on both the central masjid website and glasgow muslims website.

I was one of the facilitators at the two marriage events that Al-Khair had organised.  I could contribute to the ideas and experiences learnt, pros and cons, etc..

How about we meet and discuss how we can take this forward?

My e-mail address is zara_2k@hotmail.com

Salaam I am willing to meet

Salaam

I am willing to meet along with a friend of mine week beginning the 11th Oct, as am away for 2 weeks.

Let me know what and when it suits, after work would be ideal around 6 for coffee?

Anyone else wishes to contribute please email above address, let's get together to make a difference, Insha'Allah.

M.

School holidays from Monday

School holidays from Monday 12th October to Friday 16th October.

Weekdays 9am-3pm would suit me better.

How about weekends?

Sunday 25th October 

12.30pm

The Tramway, Albert Drive, Pollokshields

Seating area upstairs

Am good with 25th,

Am good with 25th, Insha'Allah see you there.

I hope everyone else is able to come along.

Allah Hafiz
M.

Assalamu Aleikum Brothers and

Assalamu Aleikum Brothers and Sisters!

Im a 22yro brother with Dutch citizenship, curently working in Glasgow as a technician.

Im not Pakistani :( Mr Khan says NO YOU BASTERD I DONT GIVE MY DAUGHTER TO YOU, ONLY IF YOU ARE PAKISTANI I GIVE!!!
(Hope some of ya cud see the sarcasm in that)

But...

Im looking for marriage and honestly i dont care where she might come from (orgin)
BUT!
As im serious in my religion i want to involve the elders without going out finding one myself.
And then again .. I dont have any elders here :)

Does anyone see my dilema?
THATS WHY!
Glasgow Mosque and the imam(s) shud do somthin about this zawaj issue we have!!!

But if theres any brothers/sisters out there who would like to help me finding my other half my email is:
trustandfaith@hotmail.com

Im Brother Khaldoon btw

hi any1 arrange marriages for

hi any1 arrange marriages for young pakistani students who recently graduated either from london/midlands based uniz
.do u knw to whom shoud we contact luking for serious mulsimah n proper marriagers.JAZAK ALLAH

Do the management and

Do the management and scholars at the mosque even understand the true meaning of Islam?? – do they know what the Holy Quran actually says ??. It’s just a cover up for today’s society, but in fact they don’t really care about the true core values of Islam. They preach something and do something else.

If they were really interested... they could be proactive about this issue, setting up evenings for the parents to meet etc... but they are too busy in their own interests....

Dear Sisters,   I am

Dear Sisters,

 

I am currently going through a divorce which I am trying to avoid, but my wife is adamant in obtaining one. My wife has approached a local scholar for help.  To my regret, He has not approached me in this matter and asked my wife to proceed with the divorce on the grounds that i do not spend enough time with her.  This is NOT the Shariah way and my only comment is that even though i admire the work that the scholar does, he NEVER mentions what the Shariah states about what a womans rights are in her marriage.  Please sisters, play your part in being an obedient wife as Allah SWT clearly states that those who are not will surely taste the fire of hell.

 

Jazak Allah.

Assalamu Aleikum   I am a

Assalamu Aleikum

 

I am a single mother and feel it is very hard to meet good brothers to marry.  Even other families judge you after hearing divorcee and single mum. i feel men can make mistakes but why is it that the women has to hear and face the consequences?

Is there any events happening for divorcees in scotland?

Salam   Under sharia law your

Salam

 

Under sharia law your wife has a right to ask for khula. If she feels that she can no longer stay in a marriage and wants to move on etc she has the islamic right to do so.

It is both couples duty to be obedient to each other and not just the duty of a wife!

Salam, Yes you are right.

Salam,

Yes you are right. Women face it harder when she is a divorcee and even tougher when she has kids. This is appauling that she is victimised like this. However, when a man is divorced, the community and his family/himself think he should still have a right to marry and even put pressure on  single unmarried women to consider him even though majority of unmarried men would not marry a divorced women.

There are unfortunatley alot of double standards happening. Single women find it very hard to marry, let alone a divorced woman and a divorced woman with kids.

Majority of men are marrying back home, when that marriage doesn't work out they then start looking at the unmarried women back in this country. Guess what...yes the same women he didn't want to marry as they were too corrupt and free are now the same age as them and unmarried and available. So they think they will easily fall in and find someone. Girls are opening up to this and are not tolerating it. They will even look and consider girls alot younger than themselves.

Same with men who have married non muslim women,didn't work out and now looking for a nice asian muslim women etc.

If men haven't gone back home to marry, they are marrying non muslim women or reverts. The rest are marrying childhood sweethearts which has been covered up by parents "arranging" their marriages.

Why hide the fact it was your own choice? It is not haram or is it how they went about their actions or think the community will talk?

These women who also match make etc don't even match their own kids. They are out there dating from school and university and suggest to your parents and my parents about so and so such a nice guy etc and when you ask them details, don't know much about them, go and find out for yourself.

I did just that for one of them, asked a few people who lived near this potential guy and lo and behold had a girl friend. so why were his parents looking for him to marry and why was this so called match maker giving out his details. Obviously didn't know his background but his parents surely should have known? If not why was he allowing his parents to pass his details to a match maker. Just getting his parents off his back was it??This is so common now!

If a man makes a mistake as you pointed out, society accept it, however, if a woman divorces it's her fault and she is the one who will find it harder as it's not socially acceptable. How many men have you heard of who have been with non muslims and their parents know about it, then look for a partner for him. If this was a female doing this, they disown her and don't allow her to come back. Even if she repents, nobody wants to marry her and is still talk of the town and is not welcomed by the society and she and her family are now outcasts!

The rest of the guys are yet to marry but very few compared to women. The events that happened in Glasgow and Edinburgh which I have attended are 80% attended by females if not more and the males that go to them are fewer in number, far fewer and younger in age. Some are students from abroad.

The events didn't do so well, so I would be suprised if they are still doing them. Glasgow has this attitude and probably Scotland, that if I or if my kids go to events like this, so and so will see me there or so and so will find out and it's too embarrassing.

I am still wanting my kid to marry in same caste, certain job market, has to be fair tall and pretty when their own kids are no where near this themselves.

The community and leader are not doing enough especially for women to get married. The courses arranged to find your potential partners are aimed at people looking to marry. However, women have not go much chance as fewer men to marry . So a course like this is pointless for a certain generation.

The numbers are imbalanced as men are marrying outwith their country or marrying outwith their community leaving the majority of females unmarried compared to that of females.

If you are divorced female, your chances are even lower. There are a few men who marry divorcees and with kids but it's like finding gold in your garden.

If you are a white muslim divorcee, then higher chance of marrying even if it is to a divorced man with kids/no kids as she will get a look into than an asian one. Look around in society and see for yourself or the weddings that are happening and who they are marrying.

People need to be educated and this should not come from the home. the reason is the home is the problem. They are treating their sons and daughters differently. They are educating them culturally and not islamically.

You will have mothers saying they can't find men for their daughters, yet their own sons have married abroad or married outwith the community. They are responsible for this but yet don't want to admit to it.

Does this mean their own daughters are corrupt if they allowed their son to marry outwith as she is better? What will their future kids be like as they will grow up in the same society of that of these muslims in the Uk, the very same ones who were not good enough now raising thier kids here??

 

These leaders will not help as they are out making a name for themselves and getting grants and funds to help themselves. Have you heard any of them making a suggestion when they know there's a problem...no!

I will make a suggestion and say, if you find a good muslim man regardless if he is not of your own background and you get on etc marry him. You marry for the sake of islam.

These leaders will tell you to just focus on other goals in life as that was said to myself. They don't really have a solution as they themselves can't deal with the problems as it's beyond them as too vast to deal with.

Allah is the best of judgers and we turn to him who knows best.

Wasalam

Salaam, Arent there websites

Salaam,

Arent there websites out there for muslim singles?

The problem does not lie with others, this is just shifting the blame. We need to know why singletons are not partnering up? This isn’t the mosques, or elders fault. In fact it is clearly the singletons, who are too choosey. Now adays we want an educated female, who can cook and clean, is religious, wealthy, pretty  and the list goes on. Most girls do not tick all these boxes. What’s wrong with marrying girls who do not have a degree or who are not wealthy? So long as the girl is religious and has common sense then move on. Our generation just like all the other races have a huge chip on their shoulder. When in fact the issues lies within. Our boys are too dumb and ignorant. They cant see that marriage is a life of compromises. The boys want young brides when they themselves are over 30. What a joke. Wake up people, the issues we face today are our own doing. Until we accept that only then will we find a resolution, i.e ourselves. Not through others. If my roof starts leaking I do not go running to my council or neighbours blaming them. I fix it myself or pay someone to do it. Either way I resolve the issue. So all you singletons, get off your sofa and do something yourselves. And please stop being so choosey, so what if she is too small, so what if he has a beard. Deal with it.

Brother

If this is really an

If this is really an education issue, then how do we go about doing that?

Do you have a hotline into every Muslim household in Glasgow?

I can tell you right now, and I'll waive my exorbitant consultancy fee for you... the Masajid are that hotline. They have the footfall and also the ear of the masses.

What power do we have to educate people whilst sitting in our bedrooms, posting comments on a website? Nowt.

So now we know what needs to be done, and now we know where it can be done. Who is going to write that letter to their local Masjid? You're all hoping that someone else will do it, and in the end no-one will do it... so just go back to watching EastEnders because Allah (SWT) will never change our condition until we change ourselves.

Why does everything have to

Why does everything have to go back to the masjid, is it the masjids fault that people are not finding partners? That’s nonsense. Surely. Please explain.

I read  the single muslin

I read  the single muslin sisters note and she is right  - families look down upon single mothers, and divorcees. Lady I have one piece of advise for you, go out there and find your Muslim partner yourself. No one is going to help you, we Asians are biased , even the youngsters. Infact they can be even worse. Inshallah god will help you find your suitor. And if you do receive jibes, ignore them, as is obvious even from some of the comments on this website, most notably the administrators, people have idealist and even somewhat warped values rather than practical solutions.

I've already explained it.

I've already explained it. You said people need to be educated on how to find a spouse. I said that isn't likely anywhere except in a Masjid. You can try standing on a stepladder in Pollokshields and preaching to the people but you'll likely fail. Common sense dictates that a qualified scholar with a captive audience is more likely to succeed. Where do we find the scholar? Inside the Masjid.

As I pointed out in the other thread, people trust and turn to the Masjid in their time of need. I gave you an example of a victim of domestic violence. Do you want another example? What about your nikah? I suspect you're not married yet because you're too insensitive to ensnare a wife. You'll probably have your nikah performed inside a Masjid. It's not necessary to have a nikah performed by an Imam, but you're going to do that anyway, and you'll probably do it inside a Masjid.

You asked why everything always come back to the Masjid? You tell me.

i am married. Are you?   the

i am married. Are you?  

the central mosque imam has many a time given a Friday sermon on marriage and what to seek when looking for partners. As has the iman of the Glasgow madrassa. What is it that you are after?  People are able to read, they choose not to. Even if they did read or listen to the sermons , will they follow what the iman says. No. Are you telling me you are actually arguing that because the imam has not gone on about in your opinion the principles of seeking a partner in marriage that we have so many people unmarried? Lol, what nonsense. He tells us not to drink, yet the clubs are full of muslims drinking. He tells us to respect our elders yet we see the youth shout abuse at them in the street.

your example is pointless as i said, domestic violence is handled by the various bodies including the police. since when does the imam become a professional on how to handle domestic violence. Are you working in social services? Should eh become involved in all domestic affairs? No he should not. Get a grip man/women.

The issue is that people are not married with the exception of a very few because the have chosen not to. And when  a perfectly respectable rishta comes along they discount t it because of the most stupidest reasons. So what does the Quran and Hadith say about this ! well im sure you will enlighten the readers Mr Administrator....

I don't think majority of the

I don't think majority of the people who are left to marry were being choosy in the past. It also depends on family circumstances. Most parents look for their daughters early on. However, factors which can limit your chances can be not knowing the community, "not enough status", not rich enough, not good looking, someone in the house is divorced, live in a flat, rest of siblings married out of their community and so on to name a few.

These are not reason to prevernt someone marrying but unfortunately that is what is happening. Number one factor is based on her looks. If majority of the men are marrying abroad, this is not the fault of the females left in high numbers nor should they feel they should marry anyone. There is a term called kufu. 

Anyone who suggests  someone is not married like many females out there are fussy, needs to re read the article why lots of girls are unmarried. Comments like this are always from people who are married and can't see the reality and easy to point fingers and say your own fault- fussy.

I thought as an ummah, it is the responsibility of all, self included as well as the wider society to look out for each other. This clearly is not what is happening in most parts. Noone truely understands issues like this unless you yourself, or have a child, sibling in this situation. It is very hard for the parents also as they feel they are asking around and yet hitting a brickwall. One time you asked people if they know anyone. Now it is not  to the same degree.

On the matter of websites, many of those registered are from England. They prefer to meet local people so it is easy to meet up.The minute they know you are from Scotland, not really interested as too far. This should not be the case but again unfortunately  is. The website in Scotland is not really active and again mostly females are registered on it compared to men. Scotland is not very active on issues and lags behind. For that, yes we are to blame. The difference in Scotland and England is that Scotland is very far behind in terms of  progressing in alot of aspects. Primarily due to numbers.

The community is more cultured, closed minded and not open to change and the networking is based around wee pockets of society particularly based on a cast system. If not then status.

In Scotland, and certain other areas of England  are from certain areas back home and of certain groups and still want to hold on to that tradition. This is one way to break this problem and then spread out to also look at other communities. Hard as it may be for parents to get round, but it is a way forward Inshallah.

I agree with the commentary

I agree with the commentary above. I have previously commented regarding one taking responsibility of ones own issues and lives. I have also commented as you do above the desire of many of the community to focus on wealth, looks, education etc. My point is that the Imam of the central mosque and of other mosques have given Friday sermons where they denounce such practice and talk about people to wake up and see what effect this is having. The administrator seems to be putting all they blame at the Imam feet. This is not logical. The problem lies within, within our own views which are ignorant, within our families and also in general in our society. Yes there are people who have hurdles and challenges, but my point has been for most they have to first take the lead in finding a solution. Instead we find many families calling a few ladies and thinking they have done there best. Well I’m afraid that’s not good enough. I do accept that for some it is just impossible to overcome the challenges set by our community. Maybe they should look further a field.

 Now instead of talking about what the issue is as we all know we as a community are very biased and class driven, maybe we can put forward some ideas to help resolve the problem in a structured manner.

 We need to address three things:

Firstly, an immediate and short term solution for the current singletons out there

Secondly a longer term educational process involving different media distribution channels etc.

And thirdly we need to create a vehicle for the local Scottish ummah that allows the introduction of singletons. This could be another website or a forum or society.

 I think the priority would be on the first and second objectives whilst looking at the second more strategically and nationally.  

 So, what do people think? Are there any volunteers to manage this process? Maybe the administrator who appears to be a guru on marriage could help out  so long as he forgoes his boasts of exuberant consulting fees. I unfortunately will not hide the fact that as I for one have moved away from Scotland and my personal circumstances are such that I would not be able to devote sufficient time to this, I  cannot commit.

 So who will organise a regular monthly event, don’t hold it at the mosque if the leaders are not happy. So what, you can hold it elsewhere. Have it well advertised. Well organised. Not like a meat market. Keep it going even if the first few are not a huge success. And most importantly have key principles documented and handed out to all that attend. These principles should explain quoting relevant hadiths what to seek in a partner and what not to.

 Thoughts?

First of all, you'll have to

First of all, you'll have to understand that Imam and Masjid are words which are not interchangeable. I have been very clear in blaming Masajid, not Imams. Even then "Masajid" indicates plurality, and does not encompass each and every Masjid.

On a tangent, what you'll find is that even the best Imam loses productivity if the Committee of the Masjid consists of cavemen.

I like your plan - it's about time we had concrete plans from people. There's the expense of hiring a hall every month, or whatever your proposed schedule is. Who will pay? How will you inform people about the next event? How many people are in your email contact list? Many older people don't even have an email address. You'll probably rely on having posters in Masajid. People have advertised marriage events in Masajid before, only to have their posters ripped down by any man and his dog who thinks he's in charge of the Masjid that day.

Then each of your volunteers will at some point have a new job or a new child, then they'll drift away. What you need is consistency and dependability. You need paid staff to do all this.

This is why I said people should write to their Masjid, starting with our self-styled leaders at Glasgow Central Mosque due to its size and its status in the minds of the people. If I can't muster many volunteers for such a menial task, how will you rouse the masses? People want solutions but they don't want to have to do anything themselves.

I understand Masjid Al-Furqan and Madrasa (Pollokshields) are working on something for singletons. There's hope yet. There are hard-working Imams and Masajid Committee Members out there. May Allah grant them success, ameen.

Im afraid you and whoever

Im afraid you and whoever else is need of these services should pay. Why not. You then ask who will manage all this, well why don’t you take the lead and organise.

Once again your biased view against the central mosque is evident. The central mosque has held a function for singletons, hardly any one turned up as the community turned their noses up at it as it was ‘beneath them’.  Are you married old boy?

 You have confirmed what I have been saying in my previous posts, that is no one wants to own and resolve the issue, just blame blame blame. In fact you appear to love the blame culture. Why don’t you get off your big horse and help ! Yes it requires advertisement, a budget etc, organisation. So DEAL WITH IT !

 People who donate to the mosque collection expect their money to be spent on the upkeep and maintenance of the mosque,. Not on arranging marriage events, which whilst are a worthy cause, is not why they donate. If you need funds, collect funds for your event. Just stop blaming everyone else and do something. What exactly do you consult in, ‘how to blame others  whilst maximising incompetence and wallowing in self pity’!!

 

The community are to blame

The community are to blame themselves. Like high numbers marrying abroad, marrying women outwith their communities. No harm they will say, however, you now see the harm that has been done in todays society.

Majority of those who are married or have children that are married, don't think it is their problem. The fault lies with the unmarried female is what they will tell you or their parents. This when you look at it, speaks volume of the "thinking" community.

Not many want to help those who are looking as most of the community as they see it has nothing to do with them. If you are looking to marry, how do you find a potential man. The first thing is you look around and start of with your own contacts. Ask them if they know anyone who is looking to marry.

This is a problem in itself as you have hit the first hurdle as people are not willing to do this. So you go to work, and may work with non Muslims. Who do they in their contacts know who is an unmarried Muslim, so again another hurdle.

You can ask extended family, but not everyone has an extended family here. Most people who have extended family say even they are not willing to help. You look of those who are married. They have married either a cousin in this country or back home. Someone of the same caste as plenty of their own castes here and only marry their own, predominantly in UK, particularly being of the Arien caste system. There are others too but their numbers are much smaller, followed by Mirpuris being another group.

If you are not of those backgrounds, you are limited. Even within those castes, being high in numbers, people still find it hard. When you ask them why it is, they will say the girl is more educated than the guy. The girl is not prepared to work in the shop (some cases off licensed grocer). It was ok working for your dads haram business, but not when you marry as it is something that you didn't want to do but had to as family.

Those habits have a huge impact on the rest of society as you will not be considered as wrong caste, wrong business or not having a business, so again in terms coming back to status.

Another way of finding someone is through studies. However, most of those unmarried have left education and were not likely to have met anyone as either from homes that didn't encourage this and so respected their parents tradition and not many males studied in university during the times they went.

People are now turning to Islamic event and talks trying to find a suitor in certain parts of England. This not being the reason for going however, have found someone in those environment.

Those who are married, most of them do not empathise with how hard it is finding someone and do not want to be involved in any way to make it easier in females finding someone. The solution they give is go back home and marry your cousin etc.

Go on websites, events, functions etc. This is and has been done but partcularly in Scotland the females out number the males so is still not a practical solution. The caste system should be stopped, women should be allowed to marry Muslim men of other backgrounds. Parents will still hold on to their values but at the expense of what, honour killings, cutting of their daughter/sister for marrying a man who is of the wrong kind.

This is not Islam and that is the problem. You can hear those talks in masjid, but those are lessons for other peoples houses. I want my child to marry .......... the list goes on. They say the community will talk and yes they do, but let them as they have nothing better to do and have their own issues themselves.

There are alot of hypocrites around and don't want to admit to the failings in this so called ummah.

Actually, the cost is

Actually, the cost is minimal. Glasgow Central Mosque provided the community hall free when those events were taking place. Advertisement costs are limited to the cost of a few posters. One commentator suggested hiring an external hall, which is where the cost would be introduced.

I have no idea where you got this blame idea from. You won't gather anything by reading one post in isolation. If you read through all the posts, you'll also see that the community is guaranteed help by virtue of the Constitution. They're not asking for help, they're asking for their rights.

These threads aren't really just about marriage. They're about people's expectations. What connects all of us is Islam, and therefore our Masajid because that's where we practise our Islam, gain our knowledge, marry and have our janazah performed. The Masjid is what connect all of our dots. The Masajid have access to all of the people - this is why people love to have their event announced at jumu'ah.

Then there is a difference between Central Mosque and smaller Masajid. A smaller Masjid doesn't have the same pull as Central Mosque. If Central Mosque is on-board, then everyone will jump aboard. Why people think the way that they do, and why the world is the way that it is - it's not important. Like you say yourself, just DEAL WITH IT.

Why is the Admin continuing

Why is the Admin continuing to bring this topic to only one conclusion and relate it to the Masjid. We are talking about marriage and ways to improve the chances of singletons meeting. Yes the mosque will play its  part, give sermons, hold events but as the comment above states its not enough.  More needs to be done, and it’s the singletons who need to stand up and do something. Are you single Mr Admin as I see you haven’t confirmed whether you are married. I assume you are and hence the venomous attacks against the masjid as you have clearly directed your frustrations there.

  So yes caste, wealth, education, religious strength,   status all come into play, even beauty. Now lets not ignore some of these attributes are valid selection requirements when selecting a partner. Faith, beauty, bloodline etc all are attributes which combined we can make selections on. Caste, No.  Divorcee, No.

 So fine, we find ourselves with bothers and sisters who are not married yet. My point throughout this blog as been that are people saying they have exhausted all avenues? I mean really! So what if you hit a hurdle in your family, or theres no one in your town, city, look elsewhere. Make contacts, build relationships. Keep looking. What frustrates  me the most about our community is the defeatist attitude we seem to have. I mean we live in the UK, not Glasgow or Scotland. London is only an hr’s flight away. People need to look further a field.

 So solutions please – Mr  Admin is just going in a loop. My very first boss told me ’don’t bring me problems, bring me solutions’.

I will summarise some of the

I will summarise some of the points that I have previously made so that they are not missed again, read in isolation or taken out of context. As I have said before, this issue is merely a symptom of a larger problem within our community and you cannot solve it without looking at the bigger picture. This will be my last post on this thread.

The strongest institutions that Muslims have are the Masajid. Nothing else even comes close.

The lives of Muslims revolve around the Masjid. This is where you meet and greet people daily or haven't seen for a week (jumu'ah or class) or for a year  (marriages and janazah). The lives of other groups may revolve around a pub, club, church choir, social club, etc. However, the centrality of the Masjid is subjective and will be elaborated upon below.

Contrary to what people may think, Muslims do not all know each other, nor does a Pakistani know every other Pakistani in Glasgow. In the same way that a person contacts a matchmaker "auntie" for introductions, and the "auntie" doesn't even know the two families that she is introducing, people who don't even know the "auntie" to begin with need their own version of an "auntie". What connects a Pakistani, Arab, Kurd and Somali in Glasgow is the Masjid.

Masajid were built/purchased and are maintained with the help of the community, so the community in a way is part-owner of these buildings. We're grateful that the previous and current generation helped to build these places. However, their reward is with Allah, and the buildings need to be maximally utilised now - especially for issues which didn't exist in their generation.

Masajid have premises, paid staff, scholars, committed volunteers and document filing space. Relying on ad-hoc groups of volunteers would be immature considering the size of our community.

Masajid have the footfall, i.e. traffic coming through their doors. Anyone advertising an event, such as a marriage event, even if that event is held outside the Masjid will attempt to display a poster on the Masjid's noticeboard, especially Glasgow Central Mosque due to its size. What you may not know is that people have tried to hold events externally, but upon submitting a poster request, and a verbal agreement, the poster mysteriously never appears.

According to the biggest UK-based Muslim umbrella organisation, MCB, the Masjid is expected to be a community hub and a place for community development. MCB send out a book on Mosque best practice (soft copy at http://www.faithassociates.co.uk/images/PDF/mmt1.pdf), so it is widely accepted already that Masajid should provide community services and not act as a prayer hall only. This is already acknowledged by Glasgow Central Mosque because it calls itself an "Islamic Centre" and has a "Community Hall", so its behaviour is inconsistent at best.

Masjid Al-Furqan has a marriage bureau, so does Birmingham Central Mosque. Why does our self-styled leading Masjid not have one. What you may not know is that this has been proposed to them recently and they rubbished the idea. Obviously not all of the Committee members rubbished it, but there was enough opposition from key individuals to kill it dead.

Constitutionally, Glasgow Central Mosque is committed to "serve the cause of Islam". Marriage is considered to be "half of the deen", so I would imagine that this is covered. Of course the unmarried people can be left to rot and then when they start to fornicate or slide into depression then our overlords can present their case on the day of judgement. You may also have to provide your defence, because you chose to defend people who are oppressing tens of thousands of people in this city. It's highly likely that you've never dealt with a Masjid, or seen its inner workings - so good luck when the Day comes.

There are some excellent

There are some excellent comments in the posts above....

In order to think of solutions we need to understand the problems...one of the problems in the past may have been that Central mosque doesn't want to tackle this issue (Mr admin this is only one part of the problem and one part of the solution that u seem to be stuck on) but for the sake of argument say if it did, we get the Central mosque marriage centre, the problem is that the  ratio of women outnumbers the men. So we are still in the position that hundreds of girls have no-one to marry...This is the real problem..

Why are there so few men? Some of the reasons given by people above...marrying back home, marrying non-muslim women..so why are they marrying back home? Because they are mummy's boys and their mummy says I want a girl that I can control, she is my niece and will fit into the family? Maybe she will fit in, maybe it will be harder for a girl from here to fit into that family if that family are very rigid... Or is it the boys want a girl from back home because they think she will be 1) younger and easier to dominate 2) prettier than the girl he could get here (the village's equivalent of Miss World will marry even him for a visa 3) fit into his family and it will make mummy happy 4) she wont have had relationships in the past if he gets her young enough.... There are all assumptions how do you know girls here will not fit this list?

I think long term solution is education and to change Asian culture....why does culture say girls from back home are better then girls here...

Culture says you can't marry a girl older than you or divorced (When we know Islamically the Prophet pbuh did) So why can't asian men? Because of culture...The comments above is right, guys in the 30's want to marry a girl 10 years younger...

Culture says stick to your own caste? Why does that matter? Because people hold onto the culture of their casts so tightly that if a girl wasn't their caste came into the family it may create problems in the future...

Even the religious guy holds onto culture when it suits him and leaves it when it doesn't suit him saying he is leaving it for Islam....Who says men should dominate-Culture...Islam says equal but different...

Culture says don't marry a black, brown, yellow, green, purple Muslim, people will talk and you will have problems...well if we adhered to Islam and not culture than maybe it wouldn't be a problem...

Culture says double standards for men and women...Our ummah or community have created men that are not strong/intelligent/masculine/wise enough or independent that they are equipped to marry a girl from here...they don't know how to deal with her...instead of saying it is good she is educated/strong/sticks to her Islamic beliefs/knows the pressures our children will face living in the west and we will work together and be a strong Muslim unit and bring up good Muslim children...they think the opposite..

Admin, culture we all need to deal with and have the power to change in our own homes, mothers, brothers, sisters....the Imam can lecture but he can not change our homes we need to...to an extent he is influenced by culture too....

Immediate plan-Stick to Islam not culture...men don't marry abroad-might help next generation of girls....All singletons register with Masjid Al Furqan...We start to change our own homes....does this help the hundreds of girls 30+ left on she shelf? Maybe some, but same problem not enough men...Probably not....

One person said if you live in Council flat/rent or just a flat it reduces your chances...all those reasons true..if someone in family divorced or messes up-forget it!! Culture says go for status-Newton Mearns stick to Newton Mearns... Culture (including mothers and family of boys) has created this ridiculous situation, you are rejected because skin not white enough U R medium colour and boy or his mother wants white skin/daddy isn't millionaire/car not new/ nose not perfect-what a joke!!!!

Married people stop blaming singletons...most girls over 30 not too fussy, they haven't had the choice to be fussy, we have made a mockery of arranging marriages, boys family sees a girl and has lunch there, for tea and somosas goes to next girl's house and evening meal goes to another girls house...Is this the respect that women have in Islam?? We all know these guys...

Why are the majority of reverts are women not men ( probably the spiritual side of Islam and because theoretically Islam gives them status and respect that Western culture doesn't (values mothers) or they are marrying a muslim man). Point is some Muslims don't want to improve their character for the sake of Islam, if we all did, maybe more non-muslim men would be curious about Islam instead of knowing Muslims as being terrorists and frauds or womanizers etc

Sorry to brothers who don't feel and represent the above-I have made generalisations...you are not all bad!

Allah (swt) knows best...Allah please make it easy for all singletons to complete half the deen and change our  ummah for the better .Ameen.

Well Done I don't think

Well Done

I don't think anyone could have explained the problem better than you.  Go for it girl.

Some people must have used

Some people must have used all avenues that's why they are in the dilema they are in. Noone is informing them of anyone suitable. The people they ask all tell them we don't know anyone go to your country of origin instead.

Those who suggest someone is no where near compatible, like guys,girl age too vast or mentality very different. Websites again, even though we live in the UK most are in England do not want to meet up with someone far away as previous comment stated this above.

I have known women who have married Muslims outwith their backgrounds as found it hard to find someone of their own background. Now as they have done this, the community are talking and treating this like it is haram. As a result of this, this meant noone was interested in marrying or enquiring relations of the other daughters.

Do they prefer women to be unmarried rather than marrying a Muslim of another background??

This type of behaviour and thinking shows how Islamic the people really are.

May be there should be a

May be there should be a thread dedicated to marriage services where people can insert there vital statistics and contact details? Also we should have some sort of regular local gathering of single male and females held at a venue e.g. coffee shop to have a social marriage event to broaden the scope of finding some one. This way people get to know one another and if some one thinks that one of the participants will suit my friend or cousin etc then they could pass on the details. We need more events and awareness on the topic as finding suibtable marriage partners are very hard.

Assalaamualaykum, Is this

Assalaamualaykum,

Is this thing on...:)

Hey sister...well done for

Hey sister...well done for saying all that you did. Ur so right!!! U have put it well. I think u have touched on every point. amazing. I married at 36!!! Shock horror!! And I have been thru all the  frustration and rubbish that the Asian community throws at us girls!!

I wish I had a solution to this problem. But to be honest, the problem can only be resolved if Asian guys behave like good Muslim Men and start thinking for themselves instead of being so closed minded and mummy's boys!  Our communities need to get educated in the broader sense of the word and broaden their minds. Maybe years down the line when all these old, closed minded, pathetic "mummy's"  have died off...maybe then British girls will stand a chance.

I wish you all the best

Good thread, im glad we have

Good thread, im glad we have got off the subject of the central mosque ‘overlords’ repressing the masses. I mean really cmon!

 It is interesting to read that the sister seems to think the issue is predominately with boys and their families. I disagree. Girls are very much in the same pot. They too are choosey and decline prospects in their youth and then find themselves 30+ and start blaming the boys. How many girls have declined prospects because of this and that? Loads. And then they sit there thinking why are they nor married? Why don’t they go to Pakistan and get married? I am sorry to say but the issue is with the person , full stop. Ok, you are divorced, yes itsa difficult, but how come there are divorced women who are married. Ones with children are married. How come they haven’t sat and moaned about their poor sad lives. No instead these sisters took the bull by the horn and got on with their lives rather than sitting for years waiting for a prince to come knocking on their door. Well it aint gonna happen sisters. There are plenty of Muslim men here, in England, in Pakistan who would marry you. Stop being choosy and get on with it. I know of people who saw the first prospect and said yes. That’s what is it. I did too. Our group of people didn’t look at all the silly nonsense which is prevalent in most peoples heads. I know of plenty of girls who said yes to the first prospect. All are happily married. Yes there are differences but people need to realise relationships are one big compromise. So I say stop your moans and groans and deal with your situation.

To the comment above. I

To the comment above. I totally disagree as I am one of those in my 30's and never married. I have never had the option to be choosy as I was from the wrong caste and was ruled out and also having a divorced sister noone came to ask beside assylum seekers funnily enough!

I have no extended family and don't live within the community. I don't see why I should go back to my country of origin as I firstly don't own my own property and don't earn enough to support him, also being from different lifestyle and thinking as I don't hold cultural values. I don't see why I should earn for my husband as islamically my earning is mine.

As of women who are divorced and remarried with childrenn, it is very rare to see them remarry as there are plenty of them still looking to marry.

Comments like that above are always made by married people who can not understand the reality of the situation and like to just say fussy. The main problem being is many men have married back home In Scotland leaving a high number of females unmarried this is not being fussy, this is hard reality and fact!

 

Ok sister, ask yourself why

Ok sister, ask yourself why are men choosing to marry back home. Are the girls here  not to their liking? Have you looked everywhere, are you telling me all websites, all avenues have been looked at? By the way you don’t have to have your own house to bring your spouse here? Islamically what you earn is yours, but is tehrey anything wrong with you haring your income with your husband until he becomes settled? Girls really should wake up and see that SOME men prefer women from Pakistan because thy have the family values which they cherish. If you don share those values then you are not compatible with these men, however there are plenty of other men out there. Why do most women not consider marriage when they are in their early twenties? Instead they consider a career or whatever else. Then they hit 30 and think, oh no, no one wants me. Well are you surprised. The caste issue is a disease which we have inherited from other religions, yet majority of Pakistanis marry in their caste, only because the families are compatible and have the same cultural heritage etc. But even if we ignored caste, that doesn’t mean men would not go to Pakistan to get married. Some prefer it, and frankly its their choice. Others like me did not. For the ones that do good luck to them. They obviously do not like what they see in the girls in the UK.  And its also true vice versa but not as much. The sister a few threads above says it because they can control them . Well here’s a wake up call, its not that they want to control them, its just that the find them more accommodating! These girls from Pakistan don’t mind staying in extended families. The girls here think it’s the worst thing . Some family exclusively within their families so the wealth remains in the family. Nothing wrong with that.

 But most importantly you summed it up perfectly and that is cultural values. You don’t have them by your own admission. I think you should start there!

I think when I read these

I think when I read these comments it is quite sickening the fact that if someone cannot get married we should be understanding to them to help solve the problem that is happening in the society.

There is always a blame culture which is wrong. Most now are getting divorced due to marrying back home as being forced by family pressure, not compatible etc. The reasons are they are not having islamic values and if someone is not into cultural there is nothing wrong with that as long as islam is the predominant factor in their lives.

Too many are now beating their wives predominanlty from back home, leaflets being sent around the masjids we have to ask why?

It makes me sad that things like this goes on. Islam is the and only value anyone should hold first in their lives. Live by halal means and may Allah support and guide those whom he wishes Inshallah.

 

It seems the only people

It seems the only people blaming others are the singletons !! they seem to blame everyone for their life. This is not right. Yes we all should have Islamic values but lets not kid ourselves and live in dreamland when people say that’s it. Cultural values play role whether you like it or not. How you dress, what you eat, your language, your social manners, your heritage, all of it is taken into consideration. Why? Well maybe its because it makes us more compatible. Some people that are posting here don’t seem to get real world. You are living in Glasgow, where there is a small Muslim community in comparison to the rest of the UK. So look further a field. Look on websites. Look abroad. Look Look Look. And still keep trying. Girls that are 30, have theny been searching for 10 years? Ans They still haven’t found a partner. Crazy I tell you… just go ask the girls who are 21 one now, are they interested in getting married and most will say no!! (As will prob the boys). They first want a career, they want to travel, they want to wait, they are too young and the list goes on and on and on. Then one day they wake up, and they are 30+.  And then they wonder why they are not married. It is not society which is forbidding you. It is YOU. These people want everyone else to get involved, well everyone else are busy raising families, working, and just getting on with it. You should first help yourselfs. Yes we understand you are single. But when recommendations come they still find fault. And when recommendations don’t come they just sit there feeling sorry for themselves. Go abroad and find someone. Go to England. Just stop moaning about it. My cousin in Pakistan was 30, her family had been looking for ages for a partner. At 36 she found someone and got married. We didn’t blame society, we just got on with it. We didn’t think that it was societies fault nor did we think it was her fault. But what we didn’t do is wait for a prince. We looked and looked and mashalla she is happily married with 2 kids now. Her husband has been married before and had kids from his first marriage. So please stop all this ‘social support’ nonsense.

 And now we have someone going on about wife beating. Yes it happens in all societies, and its disgusting. But lets not generalise. Equal no of men from back home treat their wives better than some of the idiots born here! So don’t be afraid of back home men. And the sister who asks why should she support her husband because Islamically her money is hers (which it is), well dear that kind of attitude is surely going to attract hordes of potential partners !!

One of the reasons I wouldn't

Alhamdulillah some excellent

Alhamdulillah some excellent posts. Without this sort of self-criticism nothing gets done. The marriage issue is perhaps *the* most crucial issue for the ummah, especially (but not restricted to) the west, it is more pertinent and immediate than any political issue, whether its 'islamophobia' or middle-east issues, as marriage is the thing that makes 'ummah' in the first place.

There is a deep 'state of static-illusion' in the community that consists of [maybe false] 'expectations' of what one is, who they are supposed to marry, what is ideal/not etc. It's like wool over our eyes. It is static and it makes one static (in the head) as they can't 'move' and sort things out for themselves for fear of not doing 'the right thing'. The phenomena that makes static: 

(1) Parents paint a picture and being the 'good' son/daughter, one cannot 'officially' go away from this picture in picking a partner, as then they would betray all that their parents have done for them

(2) Parents don't know their kids and the culture in which they have grown and how that shapes the kids' personalities. So kids have 'private lives', their comfortable ways of being, which maybe 100% halal but different from parental picture, or not quite halal, in either case it is part of them.

(3) The problem of being themselves (yet not understood by parents) vs being what parents think they should be, is a tough identity to negotiate. It's like you think you need to (at least pretend) to be one but are really the other. 

(4) When it comes to marriage, do you marry as 'real you' or as 'supposed you'? This messes up any sort of certainty one has regarding 'partners' etc, in-fact it prevents one from truly and genuinely thinking about the marriage thing, instead they think 'as identities' instead of 'as themselves'

Of course we know the ideal answer or way to be to not have the above problems, but these 4 'bars' form a psychological cage, and i wish one could just 'get on with it' but usually they need some help, big repetitive nudges. But the nudges need to be directed in totality, at the family as a whole and at the individual by themselves. And yes, as families 'go to mosques'  - so you may get some nudges there, but it cannot be just he general few words at Khutbah's, there need to be workshops and things people come with families to attend (these don't have to be in mosques).

Ok so why don't i 'just get on with it and make workshops', well i'm also in that cage, and it would feel severely awkward as a single person to do this sort of thing - perhaps due to 'suspicions' people will have of me, i mean the older generation.

Solution:

The discussions you guys are having on this forum are wonderful, i wish more and more of this happened, until a critical mass is reached and the cage(s) collapse(s) all round, insha'Allah

 

 

 

  Cage! yes let it fall.  I

 

Cage! yes let it fall.

 I have been advocating on this forum for people to stand up and take ownership of their lives and by doing so shifting their families stance. Now why don’t we start on this forum, maybe the administrator can add a link for singletons? I know there are many other websites but at least this will be more niche and local. ? What do you think? 

Now to the sister who has put a link to a couple being murdered as one of the reasons she doesn’t want to get married there. I mean PLEASE!! This is utter nonsense. Is it  any wonder girls are miserably sitting at home blaming others for their singleton life. Pakistan is not that bad. That’s like me putting a link of some honour killings that have happened in the UK and writing off the entire UK. This is madness. If you are stuck, are finding it difficult to attract ristae from the UK then widen your scope! Else you regret in 10 years that you are still on this forum posting links of murders that have happened in a country with a population of over 150mn.  I wonder if you are the same sister who 'questions why she should spend on her husband ! I still laugh at this comment many times.

I went to the London mela yesterday and from what I saw of the youth I would say people maybe better off marring from abroad anyway. Also yesterday my cousin’s son in law  arrived from Pakistan. What a cool chap. Family oriented, educated, articulate and downright respectable.  His wife was overjoyed with him. And guess what, she had the option of marrying in the UK and decided against it, didn’t like what she saw or heard, even from the ‘practising’ brothers.  

Now about that link for singletons, administrator, what’s your thoughts?

To the brother or sister in

To the brother or sister in the above post PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE expand your points so that we can all learn...please tell us more about static illusion!!!

To the brother and sister criticizing the sister for not having cultural values, she clearly states that she does not earn enough to to bring a spouse  over surely she needs to show that she will not depend on benefits and can support her spouse, so suggesting she marries abroad is useless. How do you know that she doesn't need her income to support her own family??? We live in British society yet we do not take on British culture that opposes Islam, so why are we so attached to the negative parts of Pakistani culture and defending it when it is causing us hardship??

Re family values, please tell me where in the Quran it says that to be a good muslimah or have good family values one needs to reside with ones in-laws??? A number of girls do not wish to reside with in-laws because they have seen how their mothers or other family members have been treated whilst living with in-laws. This requirement is cultural not Islamic. Yes, your wife will love and respect your family and help them in what ever way she can if she has been brought up Islamically. Some of these men hardly speak to their family or help around the house in their own homes but want their spouse to treat their mother better than they do themselves and they have a blood bond!

I agree that not all in-laws are bad but surely it is better to support one's family emotionally, physically, financially and this can be done whilst living separately. Living together does not necessarily mean that the family bonds are strong, I am sure we all know families where the bonds are weak if not non-existent but the family stays together for the sake of "what will people say". This has a negative impact on all members of the family. The families that have separated or divorced are penalized by the culture or even by "the fake" families. A tiny number of families are realizing this and are now saying to children go and live separately and we will all be happy..

The reasons why girls don't

The reasons why girls don't marry from abroad in high numbers to that of men (government statistics recorded by home office to bringing over a spouse is more women are coming over as spouses- (double the amount )compared to men coming over) are:

The gender roles men and women play when they are brought up

This being the men are the providers.The women have to look after family, cook, clean etc . Men going out meeting friends and staying out later, even though famles do it but not to the extent of males as she is still having to come home to carry out housewrk even though she works fulltime or studies.

Those mentioned are cultural influences. Most are now educating thier daughters as she has the Islamic right to be educated, however this should not prevent her marrying. Most of whom go into education also look to marry straight after or during thier last years of study. This age you are looking at is around 22.

This is not an old age to get married.

Most women see alot of hypocrisy and know they are treated as cooks, cleaners etc.

Women are looking for progressive males and this is where the problem lies. Most men do work as well compared to females and will still expect the women to also carry out roles in the house.

The question is then why does she not give up her job? Well in most cases the females works as she has no choice as she has retired parents or they are ill and can't work and mother has never worked. the son is mostly working away in another city away from the home or in some cases there are more daughters to sons born in the home.

The men mostly go abroad to marry as they are looking to marry a women who will look after thier parents, will cook clean for them. bring in a family member to this country. in some cases it is because they have had a reputation of drinking etc and now get a naive girl from back home who knows none the wiser. The rest follow in what their parents want and have married at a young age and didn't really pursue an education, so the thought of marrying an educated woman is out of the question.

Women who marry abroad are following their parents wishes, or know they will not get a look at here as they are seen as undesirable in the looks department etc as most know looks play a part in finding a spouse.

Where religion comes into has not really much of a part to play when marrying abroad. It is for mainly a cultural aspect. When you choose to marry abroad you will 100% of the time relocate the spouse to the uk. The same country you did not choose your spouse from as they were not good enough. However, the country is good enough to live in and have future kids with.

Do they not see that thier future kids will be those corrupt people who lack culture they tried to avoid marrying, or does that only happen to other peoples children.

Most women do not marry abroad in high numbers as the men are seen as too partriarchal. They do not know the language,the system and will have to tolerate the wife working while he is at home trying to find a job.

Most of those who bring a spouse over can do so financially as parents have changed the names of the house deeds, have family businesses to make them work in. Most cases they are bringing over a relative.

Not all people born in the Uk speak their mother tongue, even those born to mothers and fathers born abroad. Not all wear their traditional clothes or go home and eat traditional food etc.

We live in a copuntry where we have a mix of other choices available to eat and blend, same with the clothes. However, when you are talking about marriage it becomes hard as it is a partner for life not someone who shares the same village as you.It is about compatibility in all degrees.

Most of those now who married abroad, some are happy yes but there are those also who are divorced as due to difference due to compatiblity. They are now seeking to marry again. What you will find are those married from abroad and now divorced, a woman will not look to marry them. Simply because she was not good enough for them first time round, so why is she now good enough after they are divorced.

Sad as it may be for people to understand, what you have to realise is that it is acceptable for a man to marry again after he is divorced on a cultural view point and not for a woman.

If men are agreeing to marry divorced women if they have never married then you will see most women accepting a divorced man.

This is where the cultural aspects come in to play. Islamically is is allowed to remarry but you are seeing women who are not being treated in the same respect and as you go home abroad and find and doesn't work out, then it's ok We will find one here. Sorry to say, it does not work out like this.

If you are not good enough first time round, you will never be good enough.

Most woman are now looking at marrying aother Muslims for different ethinic backgrounds or have given up.

But in no way will they be marrying back home as seeing this as a good option.

 

 

 

Those who suggest marrying

Those who suggest marrying from abroad to other sisters are either from abroad, have married abroad or brought over a person from abroad in their families.

Also, those pro from marrying abroad are from a certain age generation. Most people looking to marry now a days , the youth, are not looking to marry back home as a main priority and in most cases not even a look into as they don't visit the motherland or relate to it.

Glasgow and Scotland has a problem when it comes to finding potential suitors however not alone. One thing for certain is cities such as London is more diverse compared to Glasgow.

People in Glasgow are still into the caste system where as larger cities such as London marry outwith their backgrounds such as a Pakistani marrying a Malaysian and noone talks of it. Or a revert Chinese marrying a Pakistani.

If someone is happy with it, then that is fine. Most however are not fine with it and don't ever want to consider marrying from abroad.

When a man is educated over there, he will want a job to his standard but he will not get it unless he restudies here. Otherwise he will most likely work in a shop, carryout or warehouse etc.

Those who come from abroad who are family orientated have no problem then settling into his wife's family and her familes home.

The minute he is settled, he will be wanting his family over to the uk and wanting his siblings etc to marry girls from here. If not he will not be wanting her to visit her family if they live seperate. This you see and hear far too often now. Once he gets his stay and becomes British, he becomes different. This is not the case with all but it is a gamble you have to be prepared to take. Most do not want that gamble.

For a man marrying abroad, the risk is lower.

Good comments above – I

Good comments above – I advocated for people to marry back home, but please read full commentary. I am not saying this should be the first port of call. Not at all. We should look closer to home and then the wider UK. However what im saying is after searching the UK and if you then find yourselves 30+, what do you do? Spend another 10 years looking? Say you still don’t find anyone, you are now 40!! If you are female this raises questions re children etc. So my point is, once you have exhausted local and regional avenues, then do not discount Pakistan or India or wherever your heritage is from. Of course we can marry any Muslim irrelevant of background. The major obstacles are the immediate family. I.e. mothers and fathers saying NO. In today’s day and age where open Islamic symbolism seems more important than the basic pillars, we have to ask ourselves who are we kidding. Outwards displays of strength of religious commitment seems the fashion of today.  My point which I continue to repeat is this, take charge of your lives and sort it.

 

 

All we hear is moans and groans from the Glaswegians. Yes London works at times. On other occasions it doesn’t. But one thing we don’t see is the Muslim community in London  moaning about it. Maybe they have adopted the English stiff upper lip, but whatever it is the London Muslims get on with it. In Glasgow, we have people who will moan and moan and do nothing to sort their lives. There are households where no one is married, boys and girls have reached 30+ and you wonder why!  Then there are households who have all their children married by 30. What’s the difference? What you will find is parents who are more religious married their children off younger. They tend to be less choosy. We read on this blog of people complaining that their family is not well connected. Or they are from a specific caste or whatever. Well I’m sorry but what are YOU doing about it?

  From the 'static illusion'

 

From the 'static illusion' person

          I completely agree. The main idea of illusion (that i meant) is an 'acceptance' (in practice if not in theory) of the way that things are, in terms of 'values' and practices, i.e. culture. When the Prophet (pbuh) first started preaching people were very engrossed in their culture, the ugly physical practice of which included 'killing female babies'. However, there were many non-physical parts, parts to do with mindset [the static illusions that form a cage], he (pbuh) upset deeply held beliefs [static illusions/cage], cultural beliefs of their 'forefathers'. When he tried to introduce the concept of worshipping One and not many people tried to make compromises saying that (to paraphrase) "..why not worship your one and also our many..". Mixing Truth and falsehood leads nowhere.

Every little rule in Islam has a deeper meaning, from cutting your toenails to giving the mahr, to saying that little dua on entering your physical home or the 'home of embracing your spouse'. Things like the rules of privacy between spouses and between someone and their in-laws/family are extremely serious. First lets take the rule of transactions prior to talking about privacy as it illustrates the level of 'professionalism' one needs to maintain.

=The rule=

When you transact between family members, say you buy a car from your brother or want to loan some money to your mother-in-law, you are supposed to do the deal *as if you were strangers* - as if you had never met before! Why? What does this say? The shariah is trying to ensure here that everyone gets their due, but its much much deeper than that, as the Lawgiver knows very well the social-psychology of the household the types of relationships that develop within families. [Sidenote: Transacting as strangers here meaning write contracts, possibly get witnesses, being very professional etc]

=The result=

As you love people, i.e your brother, or are supposed to love (or like) people, i.e. your mother-in-law, you tend to be 'complacent' or 'scared' or 'shy' or 'awkward' in 'demanding' your rights from them ["like hey, you haven't paid that loan yet, or hey you haven't paid me for that car i gave you"]. And one is like this simply because they transact 'as family' ['yaar it's just between us']. If you do transact 'as family' (instead of as strangers) and there are issues, then you tend to get depressed (and feel betrayed but not fully betrayed - a kind of complex emotion), and low, which can slowly lead to despair (not to mention a whole host of psych. issues - what in western medicine might be called bi-polar disorder etc), which can put you in a mood that causes ill towards people not linked with the transaction (i.e. your husband or wife whose mother you leant money to). This is another type of static-illusion (and even more cage-like) - as you feel you've been 'wronged', except perhaps (if you don't know your rights) you're not sure if that is 'technically true' [and thing that you are maybe just being too over-the-top], and then you think "hey it's ok it's family", yet your heart doesn't get happier - you are static [in a state] and it's not nice. 

=the point=

Having one of your rights lost in the above way, that leads to problems in your mental health, it maybe ok to deal with. However, usually its multiple such violations, not just of 'bad transactions' but of other rights, which all happen 'quietly' - i.e. done by the one in power (i mean in 'emotional power' not just 'financial' or something), which could be the mother-in-law/wife/husband or whoever,  to ones with 'less power'. Having had a bunch of such violations, one feels less empowered, and 'unable' to do anything about it, like trapped by and emotional-cultural cage. They may not even be able to express or articulate their problem, you may just see some signs or them going a bit nuts [or acting weird or oft-crying or whatever]. With this above description if you have a 'female persona' as the victim in mind, then that is perhaps most likely, but it could just be a guy in this position whose mode of disempowerment could be losing his ambitions/spark/etc/'life' instead of sullying or whatever.

One of the main points of the shariah is to maintain one's sanity or decent state of mind, being in a static-illusive-cage of emotional complexity is definitely not a permissible state to be in (i.e. must avoid at all costs), as it is harmful for your worship. This is why islam is especially *so* particular on rights and so legalistic in many ways, it doesn't just say 'do this or don't do that' but also 'be in this state or that state' (i.e. be as strangers in transaction), these are crucial things.

=back to privacy=

Say you get married and move in with in-laws, which by the way the spouse has to agree with prior to marriage (it can even be put on the marriage contract as something to be signed). Looking after one's parents is not also the job of the spouse, and there are strict rules about living quarters for married couples. There are some exceptions when one is poor (i.e. you might not be able to afford a place, rented or otherwise, other than your parents home) but this has to be clear prior to marriage. If you cannot provide your wife the minimal quarters, i.e. her rights, then do not get married you are not ready (see Hedaya Hartford's book on Islamic Marriage). Say you are not that poor and can afford a flat (rented or otherwise) - actually in UK you can get one on benefits so no issue for us - then she needs to have her private quarters (unless she waives her right to have one), a room for herself ideally that no one has access to but her, a separate kitchen/bathroom etc, see full ruling here: http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=273

If the wife doesn't get this and is just quietly persuaded (which is a kind of force but doesn't look like it) to move in against her wishes then all the complexities arise and everyone becomes victim or aggressor in some shape/form, all due to not arranging things as the Lawgiver has stated. When you live away from parents, there is nothing preventing you from visiting them all the time, the parents may even feel 'closer to you' than when you were just single and at home - simply due to all the activities you are doing together. So no one really loses out in the Islamic solution, everyone gains.

So privacy here is about giving one their own space, their own space where their actions will be between whom they choose (their spouse and Allah), where they will not be judged or feel awkward or literally (and symbolically) in a (in-law) cage. If a wife does not know her rights or is too shy to demand it (if she feels it is not going to be met) then someone has to push her to do so, like her father/brother/mother whoever - of course if they are culturally inclined and not knowing these sacred injunctions themselves then she is sort of being sent in for the slaughter.

=more on privacy=

In marriage the couple are still individuals, individual muslims, with independent psyche's and selves, they need to keep growing independently of others (husband/family/in-laws) as well as in a pair, the shariah facilitates this, following the shariah gets one into Allah's 'good books' not that of in-laws or spouses except as a secondary effect (when the others are not culturally blinded from these injunctions). So marriage should not 'lock you down', you might have less time to 'chill with friends' (that is, if you were chilling a lot before) but that's it, as your friends and other community, and the activities therein in which you participate (those french classes, or art classes, or gym sessions) are part of you - they are essential for your individual growth, the spouse cannot replace all that (and better not try to), these are not 'minor things to grow out of'. 

The problem is this *if you do not know your own rights and your own needs* then you may tend to not notice when they are being taken away! And before you know it, life is not so pleasant, and you say 'hey that's life', it ain't !!

Another problem is that of 'controlling' one another, this is also *invasion of privacy*, and if you read the shariah closely then you see the rules (if followed) prevent this from happening. This is when on fails to see their spouse as an individual and instead sees them as 'their's. Not even one's children are their property, all belongs to Allah, we take mere care of one another, mere interaction. [Side-note: Thinking of kids as their 'property' is very common for asian culture. The individualism of the west is antithetical to this which although is problematic, shows what the problem with the east is. The islamic solution is mid-way, as usual, see the works on islamic education and especially the hadith of Ali [ra] on education]. So not giving each other 'space' in the non-physical sense, is also an invasion of privacy, it's in the 'same basket' as moving in with in-laws, as it's all about the value of ones individuality. Muslims are not 'individualists', and their precise interaction with others is regulated by the shariah so that it is balanced and people are safe (physically, emotionally and ultimately, spiritually).

If someone married young, it

If someone married young, it doesn't mean they are from religious parents. Yes islam says marry young. It is also the fact they marry as a cultural point to marry off their kids so less of a burden and he can start working and bring over a family member and take over the family business and his wife will start looking after HIS parents. Prophet Muhammeds wife PBUH married his wife Khadija when she was in her 40's.

If they marry young for religious reasons say, why don't they marry young from the girls here? Why are those who marry young as they are religious mostly marry back home? Only they are religious and noone else?  Those who marry abroad mostly have relatives in the UK but they decide to marry a relative back home!

Most who are at a certain age and not married are not religious?This is just as stated above fitting into the static illusion.

Islam says completing half your deen when you marry. We believe in qader. 3 things Allah has wriiten for us, birth, marriage and death. This is set in stone.

Yes, we can only do our part but are you saying thousands of girls and their family which is now a global issue have got it wrong?

Even places like Pakistan have problems marrying their daughters. One of the reason for this is due to a high number of men looking to marry are wanting to marry outwith their country.Why is this??

The girls/guys in UK more religious is it or something else?

Also, another point which I fail to understand is when anyone marries abroad, why do they come to the uk. Even when girls marry, the husband comes to live with her in the UK. If this is the case, why do the men who live in the UK not go move to the country of origin and live with his wife and her family.

NO! This is seen as extremely wrong for a man to move into his wifes house with her family after they marry especially in Muslim countries especially asians, so why is it accepted for a man to live with his wife and her family in the UK??

If you married a man in the UK and the girl was also from the Uk, does he move into her house after marriage? So why is it acceptable if the guy is from abroad to move in with his wife and she has to support him when the country he has just comes from is never accepted!

Why are men not educating themselves to the degree they should be compared to women, this is across the board in all countires. Why don't they pursue an education after they marry if they married young, what is stopping them-can do it part time or is it because they work long hours in a family business? 

Why is culture more overpowering in the lives of people compared to Islamic? It is culturally acceptable for a man to marry a revert. Why do you never hear any man marrying a revert who was a Pakistani Christian, why are the reverts they marry always "white"?

Yes I agree with the above

Yes I agree with the above and also of reverts, hardly any men marry black reverts who were born in the Uk they are always white.

Most whom marry reverts knew them prior to marriage. Let's educated the community!!

Most men marry on looks. It’s

Most men marry on looks. It’s a fact. Islam is coming more into play now, and yes we men want a good Islamic spouse, but we also want one that is attractive. And guess what. There is nothing wrong with that.  In fact on the list of attributes that one looks for in his /her partner, obviously Islam being at the top, beauty, heritage, wealth etc all come into play.  So your question why men are marrying white reverts. Well obviously they are attracted more to them. What do you want them to do? marry someone they are not attracted to?

And as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then maybe your beholder might be sitting in Pakistan and not the west end of Glasgow.

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EDIT
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Note from admin: I've had to edit this post to remove the patronising and insulting language. The ability to post a comment anonymously is a privilege that has been bestowed upon you, and it is not to be taken as a licence to abuse others. Only write what you would also be prepared to say in a room with other people. The mission statement of this website is "Putting unity into the community" and this must be respected. Thanks.

The effect of the media, in

The effect of the media, in posing a particular 'image' of beauty, is what affects our perspective of 'good looking-ness'. You are unlikely to see hijabi's in romantic movies or action films or 'looking beautiful' in the modern western sense, we wouldn't want that anyway  - that would project the wrong kind of beauty!

As per the solution to this, there needs to be a lot of inter-community events where people can discuss issues, events which should be mixed (segregation should be easy, at least among mature people). As otherwise where exactly is the young muslim finding out about how the opposite sex is? This is not really happening at the masjid, or islamic talks. It's happening in a non-halal or non-adequate sense in many scenarios (clubs, universities, 'dates', late night mobile phone calls and internet dating) but where is it happening in the organic halal sense, through young people co-operating at the communal level doing community projects, taking leadership of their community etc?

Lack of knowledge about the other gendered muslim prevents one from developing a proper identity of their own gender identity (i.e. how to be a muslim man/woman, i don't mean theoretically but practically).

(side note: Of course one usually learns a lot from their mother/sister and other women in the family, but this is not enough, especially these days when roles/rights of 'men'/'women' are so confused even (if not especially) in the parental generation. If they are not confused then they are not always easily 'passed down' due to cultural differences, i.e. it doesn't translate well into the local culture, to something that kids can adopt and apply to local culture.)

If muslim boys/girls do not know what kind of 'potentials' are out there, i don't mean in terms of 'qualifications' or 'wages' but personalities, then how are they to form realistic expectations. You cannot be a 'gentleman' or 'lady' without behaving a particular way, not faking it but consistently (genuinely), with other ladies/gentlemen outside the home as well as inside. 

==When you do projects, communal activities, where the males and females are in respectable company of each other, who are mature, yes there are always (still) likely to be issues (boyfriend/girlfriend, or usually more halal style of x likes y, then they try to marry etc, or x's brother doesn't like y and there is a threat), it takes time to mature out of these issues so there is a culture formed where people know how to behave. No one is expected to know from day 1. There are risks but they will get lower (inshaAllah) with some attempts, but if you do not do something like this then the alternative is worse.

 

Thoughts?

RE Marrying Young. -There are

RE Marrying Young.

-There are so many weird beliefs of 'suitability', of course we all look for suitablity but the way we judge it can be weird at times. A friend married a widow due to her having good qualities through nursing a disabled family member, he saw her as having patience due to the hardship she faced. Most would not go near such a 'potential', as the woman is not 'fresh' and has 'baggage'. And my friend is having no problems with his wife, alhamdulillah.

To reply to your questions:

Deciding to marry back home, i would have thought that it would be a communal obligation (fard kifayah) to marry in UK except in dire circumstances, simply because of the volume of muslim girls compared to a lower number of guys. In the past people married several times (i.e. several wives) for the purpose of taking care of them since they would otherwise be in a problematic state. Marriage traditionally was conceived differently than it is now. The illusion prevents us from thinking properly about candidates here vs back home.

Again the solution is more communal discussion, guys need to meet girls, i don't mean in kabana for a 'marriage do', i mean in normal circumstances through doing work together etc. Sure the girls here have a 'non-traditional' culture, but it can be fully islamic (if not more) than that back home, but we are 'stuck' in our ways, need to be jolted out.

=i didn't get the part about the worldwide issues, thousands of girls etc..can you explain.

About people coming to this country, the grass is always greener on the other side as they say. I guess they think that life is supposed to be better here, well it's why our parents came here isn't it? Can't quite blame them, people want a better life for themselves, the political/economic situation in that part of the world isn't too great. 

About husbands moving to UK after marrying here. I think it is for many reasons, yes it is usually the husbands house that the wife lives in, not the other way round. But (1) the wife might not want to move back home so can forego her right to have a home from her husband to live in and/or (2) the wife or her family who setup the marriage probably has a big plan of the husband coming to work with them etc. If both the husband/wife agree then it's not a problem. So it is the wife's right to move into a private house, *from the husband* but she can choose to say *its ok i don't want it, just marry me and we will live in my house* this is not wrong provided (1) she knows her rights and what she is doing and (2) she is not forced or manipulated.

About pursuing education:

I think you are right, if you are brought up/involved in a family business, without having the right role models, then perhaps you might not do well at school/uni or have all sorts of identity issues to deal with ('gangster', 'muslim', 'shop-boy', 'freshie', etc), then you are unlikely to go into 'professional fields'. Although saying that, a lot of us do go to uni, what percentage of asians are actually going to continue the family business/shop - about half or so ?? Yet muslim sisters, as you say, seems to be, on the whole, more educated - i'm not sure why there is the difference, yes maybe due to guys needing to take over family businesses - not sure.

About culture being overpowering, more so than Islam:

Well its culture that is coming into our senses, media/talk/etc, on a regular basis. Even reading your 5 daily prayers in a mosque is not enough to keep culture at bay. If you school in a western cultured school/university, come home watch western-cultural TV and listen to such music, talk to your western-cultured mates about western-cultured celebrities and what in the western-cultural view is are important events, and then finally read a few salahs a week at mosque, well then you aren't giving yourself half a chance to immerse in the deen. 

Solution again, from my limited understanding of all this, is to have a more vibrant community. So that at least a good part of your education/schooling (school/uni whatever) is in the community. A good part of your work/labour (i.e. you get paid from working within the community or with someone in the community) in the community. A good part of your mates are from the community with whom you talk about more 'islamic' role-models (who need not be muslim, just embodying our values). A good part of the opposite gender who you actually interact with (in the halal sense) are muslims etc. This way perhaps the culture will not overpower your deen, inshAllah.

Is this solution practical/realistic: yes, completely, if you don't believe me just read any book on islamic history and how things happened back then (even when muslims were in a non-muslim land)

Where is this 'community' and all these events, and/or how do we build it? Now that's the discussion i hope to have.

Do women not have the right

Do women not have the right to marry someone they are attracted to? Ofcourse but if you are saying islam is the number one priority then looks are then 2nd to this surely?

However, you have to find the person you are marrying attractive, but to say that women of certain ethnicity are less attractive than another is like saying your own race is not good looking including what is staring at you in the mirror.

4 things which you should look for in a quality in marriage yes looks are one of them, however, looks fade and those who marry for deen will be the ones most in success.

 

 

-One thing to notice is that

-One thing to notice is that the list of priorities, deen/looks etc are all related. You will not be giving your deen a chance (unless you are a very strong person) if you marry someone that is not attractive in some way, as you maybe unhappy or unable to keep your gaze away from other men/women and if this happens then a huge point of the marriage is missed.

-This is why scholars have emphasised, especially given the modern conceptions of 'beauty' that plagues our minds (its just the times we live in), for men/women to make a serious effort at grooming for their wives/husbands, and generally looking presentable/professional to general public (within the usual halal bounds of course). This means not only grooming the bits that show (clothes[must be well dressed]/hair/skin) but also our speech (soft, and without too many 'yaar's' perhaps), smell, and especially weight (i'm guilty on all counts plus more!). Back in the day, yes muslims knew about this grooming and did it, but they didn't have images plastered around (tv/billboards/etc) of styles/looks etc, today we do. What this means is that we are more psychologically attuned to people that well kept - more so than in previous times, this means that people who aren't well kept can be turn-offs, both from a husband/wife/potential perspective and from social perspective, i.e. standards for 'look' have changed and risen in some ways. It's not that you have to be more 'good-looking' but that you have to appear to take care of yourself more.

 

 

I think like most issues

I think like most issues affecting the modern Muslim - the elders and community are too busy bickering over issues that are either irrelevant or petty and need to realize that something should be done instead of arguing until it is too late.

Too many "uncle gees" still think the old fashioned "take my son or daughter to Pakistan, Bangladesh or India and get them married over there," routine works, and if it doesn’t then the kids are to blame. The modern educated Muslim girl wants a decent guy who will fit into a British lifestyle and stick with the faith whereas most "off the banana board freshies" who come here as spouses end up trying to impose upon the women or start straying from the relationship and faith and it’s no better for guys either as most girls now have to be multitasking and able to speak proper English to allow the guy to work instead of being hindered by her.

Now that there are restrictions on non-EU coming into effect next year and a lot of other barriers being placed in the way to stop "non-British" marriages, the situation is both a wakeup call and a "hit the ground running" event as while there are "networks" in most Muslims countries and the mosque is the hub in then, in Britain the mosque is more an adornment instead of community hub and the heads and elders need to wake up to these facts or maybe some "upwards" pressure by the youngers in the communities.

I’m not too keen of the dating website models as you’ve no guarantee the guy or girl is who they say they are and they rarely work - most are just really money making or marketing tools, some are little more than legalized prostitution - but building any sort or relationship requires a good look and a bit of Q&A – some people look absolutely horrible in photos but are really nice to talk to, other people look really nice but have horrible attitudes none of this can be put online and you have to have even just a few minutes of face to face to make it out.

Also it is essential you do your best to be compatible and not something you can just write down either as you may list your hobbies and interests and hope for the best but meeting a person you can have your questions you want and not get pre-prepared answers in return.

Obviously there has to be an Islamic perspective to all this so we can’t just organize a "singles night out" or have "liaisons" between opposite sex singles outwith the scope of the meeting and then there is the "shy" barriers for girls and "I don’t know what to say" barrier for guys – maybe take a leaf out my friends books (who does this sort of thing but for orthodox Christians) and have suppers?

The idea is not quite "speed dating" but you get an equal number of guys and girls together at nice restaurants and eateries around the city and a couple of monitors to ensure everybody is OK. The guys order whatever they like and the girls get to sit in with all the guys one at a time for about 5-10 minutes – both have a supper and both get a few minutes of conversation in and once round all the guys the girls get to sit in with the guy of their choice for the duration and the girls and guys say their goodbyes and let the monitors know their choices and they release the contact details next day. Whaddaythink? Can it be done Islamically?

First thing that needs to

First thing that needs to happen is to stop all this heavy handed of forcing people to be engrossed in culture. Some wear it in their hearts and some don't . Those who don't are seen to be "white". People have different views of how Islamic practices are to them.

 

There is nothing wrong with it as long as both parties or the community match that of the person they are looking for in a partner. What we are hearing are, oh she is too educated, she is fussy, she is too western, she doesn't wear traditonal clothes or cooks etc, this does not mean she is not good in practice of her faith.

It means she is not right for you or what your family are looking for. Yet on the same hand it is ok to be dating non muslims for a considerable length of time then convert her and that is seen as a good woman she has embraced the faith.

These so called match makers are nothing short of hypocrites as these very women who try arrange matches do not match their own kids as they are out dating the non muslim women or even muslim women at that.

Those that fall under this are of a certain age group. I feel that if there are decent muslims out there regardless of ethnicity marry them, so be it arab, revert men, african as long as muslim and don't bother what the community thinks as long as you are doing halal, fulfil your duties inshallah.

Yes, be kind to your parents but parents want whats best but when you hit a certain age they should be looking what is suited to your needs as your Islamic right.

If these so called 24 year old are out there marrying from univeristy, school, work, clubs and you are still struggling as hard as it may be as the number of men are fewer, start looking outwith your background.

Salaam Admin,   Nice quote,

Salaam Admin,

 

Nice quote, bring solution not problems..... so what solution our mosque is providing for singlets out there?

 

W'Salaam

M.

marry young, dont leave it

marry young, dont leave it until you are mid twenties, dont chase a career that doesnt exisit. thats what we need to teach the community.

Marry when Allah has willed

Marry when Allah has willed it. Marry young is best but not eveyone has the fortunes of this and then there is divorce and widows looking to remarry. In some cases working is to survive to provide for the family.

A woman who falls into this should not be prevented to remarry as she is considered old nor should those who have never married. It is qader from Allah.

Saying that its okay to marry

Saying that its okay to marry outside your own ethnic group is frowned upon. I married a convert to Islam many many years ago but still to this day I am only accepted as a person my husband and kids are shunned by this so called " great Muslim society" shame on you all. Allah has put all humans on this earth to help each other not pass judgement!  I dont care what the whisperers say but it affects my kids.

I doubt the entire community

I doubt the entire community shuns your convert husband. Maybe the narrow minded, and probably the ones who don’t go to mosque or practice islam in their homes. For the ones who do I know welcome all and infact look well upon converts or reverts.So yes there are many divorcees, and who has the greatest issue with this segment of society. It’s the women ! the potential mother in laws! Laughable really. It all comes down to education, Islamic education that is. Its fine for the mosques and Imamss to deliver sermons to the men, but it’s the household women who need to be hearing this too. Not all men go back relay the sermons to their wifes. And there lies the issue. How do we educate the women as well as the men. Why are the women stubborn and selfish. Always back biting, always gossiping, always talking about others affairs. Our community is obessed with wealth and social standing. Instead of focusing on education and knowledge they revel in showing and boasting about their cars, houses and shop takings. Even the professionals in our community cant help boast of their fees etc. What a load of tosh. Do you hear anyone boast about their knowledge of islam. And especially to the girls who are not married, read what islam expects from you. Its not a career, its not that you be independent but rather submissive to your future husbands. Its better to step back rather than argue. Instead we see muslim girls wanting the same route as men. Instead of learning to cook as well as becoming doctors, they think nothing of the fact who is going to cook for their children. Who will cook for their husbands.  

great response - it seems we

great response - it seems we are happy blame others instead of looking at ourselves. we questions others motives when they reject us yet we also reject others for ridiculas reasons. why does a 35 year old girl reject a 45 year old man? too old? well then is it any suprise a 35 year old man rejects a 35 year old women and prefers younger. when is the best age to have children? its not 35, even though that may be teh average in the UK.

indeed - take the advise of

indeed - take the advise of the married - and that if you are on the wrong side of 30 then keep your options open, look at the entire uk, look outside your community, look at 'back home'. otherwise your will be on teh wrong side of 40 and still be stuck. i say don’t delay, get married in your early twenties. marriage isnt some bollywood affair, or when harry meets sally. its an agreement for two individuals to support each other. help each other. love each other. all of this builds over time and isn’t a prerequisite to marriage. <?xml:namespace prefix = o />

boys don’t want to marry girls who are independent, girls don’t want to marry boys who live with their mothers.....the list goes on and on. why is it that those that are happily married manage to compromise on all these things, men allow their wife’s to do what they want within reason. wifes help their in-laws and keep quite at all the ' mother in law' comments....life goes on, kids arrive, priorities change. and there lies the ultimate truth. your priority at the stage of wanting to get married will be different after a few years and will keep changing as your go through the cycle of life. people who are not so religious discover the importance of faith when kids arrive, hajj becomes a priority, mosques and teaching kids become a priority, inlaws turn into grandparents and they inherit rights.

there are students over studying looking to get married, yes so they can stay in the country, so what, some of them display more honourable characteristics than any of the boys born here. We have boys here who have reached over 35 and they sit and mull why they are not married. All the time it’s the same excuse, the opportunity wasn’t there. but dig deeper and you realise the opportunity was always their but they couldn’t see it. career, money, wealth, independence, age, enjoyment, etc etc were all they cared about.

I read allot of comments here about islam and marriage etc, fine. But people here seem to have forgotten common sense. If you want to book a flight you can go on the web, phone an agent, go to a travel agent. You have options, or you could ask someone to do it for you. Well marriage is the same. Use every channel open to you. Do you think your parents wont support you, of course they will, they will be happy for you to get married full stop. So YOU take the lead. Get your mum to go to asian centers, inquire about <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 />Pakistan, or wherever your heritage is from.

The marriage event has been

The marriage event has been cancelled in Glasgow for this coming Sunday 17th October. It is now rescheduled for December.

Marriage ain't all that !!

Marriage ain't all that !! Especially if you marry a pakistani mumy's boy frrom pakistan!!  After reading how difficult it is for people to find suitable marriage partners, I thought that I would show them that the "grass isn't always greener", and to enjoy being single because marriage isn't exactly a straight road to happiness. I spent so many years hoping to meet the right person and wanting to settle down. I have been married now for 6years....and have been forced to wake up to the reality that a lot of Asian women have been living in for years.

I can truly say with my hand on my heart and with true faith in Allah that I have tried my best to be the best wife and not give my husband any cause for complaint. But  despite this, I am in an unhappy marriage and thinking " is this what life's all about"?.

We got on great for 3 years until his family started interfering and he went behind my back sending them money, despite the fact that we were living off basic DSS ?Benefits at the time!  Naturally I was upset by this and complained to my husband. I don't know how, but he has managed to twist the whole thing around and made  me the "baddy" in all of this ! According to him, he and his family are angels, whilst I am the trouble-maker !!  Thats pakistani men for you,eh! Neither they or their families can ever do any wrong. Its always the wifes fault for everything. He hardly talks to me and doesn't seem to care in any way. All he is ever worried about is sending money to his family in pakistan, who are way better off than us!!

Needless to say, I am hurt by the fact that he has no consideration for me and the kids. Its just all about them!  I'm just another unhappy pakistani wife. Another statistic!  Just like my mother and aunts before me.....who have all also lived a life of disappointment because of their husbands.

Apart from my 2 children - who I love dearly - with hindsight, my life was way better when i was single and looking for a husband. The dream is way better than the reality....for me anyway!!  The sad truth is that Pakistani men are too obsessed wth their mum n family to even notice the needs of thier wife and kids. They think that they are doing right by Islam... but infact they are not. I told my husband that our Nabi Kareem (SAW) said that the best men amongst you are the ones who treat their wife well. My husband responded with a load of quotes from Quran and Hadith all about putting your mum first, etc. What chance do us wifes have??

The moral of my story??

All you single girls out there, don't assume the grass is greener...and that life will be complete after marriage. Whilst it should be true and is for some, I hate to say this but I think that theres less of a chance of findng love and happiness if you marry a pakistani guy - from UK or pakistan - because they are so caught up wth thr mums and whole fmaily thing to bother trying to keep their wife happy. MY advice would be to find men who are capable fo thinking by themselves. I.e Muslim men of any other background, or why not find a guy that is suitable and then convert him to Islam. Not only will you find a like-minded hubby, but you will have given him the best thing that anyone could ever give him - Islam.

ok by the sounds of it a

ok by the sounds of it a sister has had the same issues that  most familes have encountered. the first generation went through this too, money was sent back home. its was a no brainer then. now things are different.  i think there is nothing wrong with men who send money back home, so long as its not all of it as you rightly say the kids and wife have needs. your man will learn in teh long term as have every other that all you are doing is making your relatives back home dependant on you. instead he should try to set them up in business over there so they are self reliant. but to the point that you are making that singletons are lucky! i am afraid you are deluded. married life is about compromise but more importantly having someonje to lean on. can you surive at 60 plus as a singleton. in a home, noone to take care of you? do not beleive this western throry that single girls are loving it. sopeak to the 40plus girls who are single and if they are truthful they will admit they long for a marriage partner.

your issue with your husband is im afaid one of education and lack of expereince. may allah guide you both to be strong. do not let something silly like money create tension in your marriage. there are people in the world who live on less than $1 a day but are happily married. they have no issues.

I agree with the last post. 

I agree with the last post.  You should make dua that Allah puts love and happiness in your marriage every single day.  If it's not money issues, it will be some other issue that your marriage will face, therefore dua is of utmost importance.  And in terms of the advice for singletons - well, if you look for deen in a person then there's more chance of everything else coming with it, and by that I mean getting your rights as a wife, financially or otherwise. Because although you might think you have found the guy who is "on your level", you won't really know which of his ideas/priorities in life/principles in life that clash with yours until you live with him.  So if the common ground between you both is a strong foundation of deen then no matter what happens in life, you will both pull each other towards that.  And what's great is that Allah will bless you in that if it is done for Him.

May Allah bless us all with happy marriages based on His Pleasure - those who are married and those who are not yet, ameen.

saw this excerpt from the

saw this excerpt from the book' Love in a headscarf' by shelina Zahra J, a memoir about marriage in the british muslim comminity.

 

It is a universally acknowledged truth that all Asian parents want their children to get married and settle down. It is the final and most important duty of the parent toward their child. It is also an Islamic responsibility to help your child find a suitable spouse. Only when the offspring are paired off can the mother and father sigh with relief. So momentous and significant is this obligation, and so huge is the impact of the choice of partner, that parents fret about finding that spouse from the moment the child is born. It is the job of parents, mothers-in-law, and Aunties to network furiously and line up candidates. The girl and boy do not necessarily need to be involved. They can just turn up on the day, if they are required, in order to attend the communal meeting, as Ali and I had done.

Cultural norms dictate how the meeting of the two parties will play out. It may involve members of both parties being present, along with tea and civilities, and a subtle but rigorous scoping out of the other side. Or the boy and the girl might not even be there. The only certainty is that the meeting could change significantly the lives of the two people who are at the heart of the discussion.

The Buxom Aunties, those round matriarchal women in nylon shalwar kameez with their chiffon dupattas pulled deftly over their heads, therefore wield enormous power as matchmakers in the lives of young men and women and their parents who are searching for a partner for their child to build a life with. Behind closed doors, over cups of tea and crispy just-fried pakoras, the seasoned mothers- in-law, the nylon-clad naanis, and the grandmothers, all of whom function as matchmakers alongside the Aunties, talk with the authority of wisdom and experience to those women who are wannabe mothers-in-law in search of a wife for their son.

WANNABE: "I'm getting too old to look after Ahmed on my own."

NYLON NAANI: "It's time you got him a wife."

WANNABE: "I know, but where do I find someone suitable? Someone who can cook, look after the house properly like we used to do, and who will give me grandchildren and not go out and about abandoning her responsibilities. Girls these days are just all about themselves. They don't have the patience and tolerance that we had. You're a naani already, a grandmother, and you've sorted out your daughters-in-law so well. So hard with girls these days."

NYLON NAANI: "You're right, it's very tough. So many couples getting married and divorced willy-nilly. And your Ahmed is such a good boy. Have you talked to him about going back home and choosing a girl? They are the best you know, well-trained and obedient. They know how to look after a mother-in-law."

 


WANNABE: "Talk to Ahmed about going back home to find a wife? Pfah! He doesn't want to even talk about getting married. He doesn't know I need someone to help around the house. Besides (and her voice softens here), he needs some- one of his own and I'm getting old. Who will look after him when I'm gone?"

NYLON NAANI: "That's your mistake. Boys are never ready; you have to just surprise them. Show them a few pretty girls and even the one who says no, no, no, he will fall for one of them. Boys can't resist a pretty girl. You might need to encourage and persuade him a little bit or perhaps even push him. But he'll thank you in the end."

Nylon Naani pauses, and then looks furtively in all directions, Godfather-style. Even with no one in earshot, she leans in conspiratorially.

NYLON NAANI: "I'm going to tell you everything you need to know about finding a daughter-in-law. Only four things and you will be laughing, laughing, so happy. First, do not involve your son. He does not know what he wants and will only complicate matters. Next, avoid girls who are oh-so-independent. This is not a good quality for a daughter-in- law. They will not be committed."

WANNABE: "Hmm, yes, hmm. So wise, so wise, yes, you are right. Such wonderful Wisdom."

NYLON NAANI: "Three, make sure she is pretty and she can cook. And the younger, the better. And last, look for a girl from the same culture, so that she can 'fit' with you."

When I am older, with many sons, fretting about finding them wives, I will write a sequel to my book. It will be called Love in a Nylon Dupatta.

THE BUXOM AUNTIES' RULES

The natural habitat of the Auntie is weddings, gatherings, dinners, and other places where young unmarried women play together. They are normally distinguished by their fulsome breasts and round tummies, and often by their taste for chewing paan. They have either been married for more years than the Rolling Stones have been alive, and their multitudes of children are married and they have a small tribe of grandchildren, thus making them experts on marriage; or they are lonely spinsters, who now devote themselves to pairing off the younger generation.

As a young woman, I was deeply suspicious and cynical of the Aunties. They appeared to me like jinnis whose sole purpose was to make me feel small and useless. I was convinced that their entire reason for being was to make my life difficult and miserable by belittling my aspirations. In return I had to be polite and affable, as they might have access to my Prince Charming, my dream man, my life happiness. And, of course, I had to play by the conventions of the search that remained unspoken

Here's something for you.

Here's something for you. There is an increase of families looking for someone for their son. Some family and seems to be the norm, expect the girls family along with the girl to go to the guys house on the first meeting to see each other. Now some may say nothing wrong with this. But if you are having to go through a traditional route of an arranged marriage, then why should the girl and her family go to the guys house? Is this just me and my family thinking this is not right?

If the family come to the girls house, the guy is absent as he is too shy. If a second meeting is wanted as the guys family like you, they suggest you meet their son at their house. Also, they want a look round your house. Are they going to live with you or the guy going to move into the girls house to house view? Try before you buy? All this appropriate on the first meeting?

Here is something else I have experienced, I have also been asked to meet a guy in a shopping centre car park as the guy is shy ( another guy from above situation) and the family didn't want to come to my parents house.This was suggested by the guys mother telling this to my parents. To me this indicates, if the guy likes the look of you, he will approach you, if not he will drive off and you will never even know he saw you or what he looked like.

Also, on 3 occassions my father has met others at Juma and are looking for their sons. They say their sons were previously dating/married to non Muslims and yet not divorced if married and now looking for an asian Muslim wife to settle down with. These men my dad has known for over 40 years. Why when once these men have sons who are divorced to non Muslims now come knocking on your door? My father took this is an insult. If a woman marries/lives in sin with a non Muslim and even repents, who marries her?

Yes men are allowed to marry women of the book, but where do hindus fall into this group or white Scottish athiests?The latter being the most common one.

If thier son has married/ dated of thier own choice to non Muslims, why are they looking at having a tradtional marriage to a Muslim especially when the female if in most cases are so much younger in age to the man.

What family will allow their daughter if they are interested in finding a suitable partner think it is accpetable for her to see the guy in Braehead shopping centre where he works as he is too busy to meet, so meet him at his work place?

Now the latest is this man has told my father he was at someone house and the guy there has said if he was looking to get married, he will only give it a 2 years trail period of the marriage then break it off if it doesn't go the way he likes it. I am talking about Sunni now incorporating this ideaolgy of something that is unIslamic and is something else I have come across before a few years ago.

What is happening and why are people allowing this to happen is beyond me. Are any of you having this problem? Male or female would be interesting to know.

Ive just recently been

Ive just recently been divorced.  Im a single mother!  Im looking to get remarried...  I just dont know where to go, who to speak to ...

Its so easy for a man who is Divorced to move on, even if he was the one who done Wrong in the Marriage... But yet the "Wife" who put her all into the marriage is left with the Burden of the word Divorce..

Allah swt knows best,  I want to find a person who is Practising inshaAllah, and accepting of the fact that l have a child! 

Where do woman like me go?  Who do we speak to?  And why are we looked down on?

Young woman that are in the same situation as me InshaAllah l make Du'aa that Allah swt rewards us for our Strength, Courage and Patience.. And we find Partners who are Good muslims inshaAllah..

 I would like to say to the

 I would like to say to the comment re this chap who wants a girls family to come to his house to see his son – stay away. This is utter nonsense. Etiquette dictates that the boys family visit the girl in a humble manner. If they do not oblige or its this car park meets etc then tell them to beat it. And whosever heard of someone saying he will give it two years and then call it a day if it doesn’t work out!! What nonsense. These are the types of people one should avoid at all costs. And some men have married non muslims and realised afterwards that this isn’t for them. Nothing wrong with that we all make mistakes. But if they expect the same lifestyle as they had with the non muslim wives then again avoid at all costs.

 And to the sister, who raises a very good question, where should divorcees especially those with children go? Our community has such a stigma to this which again is totally wrong. And who are the biggest culprits, it’s the women! The aunties, the potential mum in laws. So what if you have a child. Divorcees are more likely to make a go of the marriage than first timers. So there are plenty of men who read this and I say to them use this forum to make contact with single girls (divorcees or not) and move on. Yet they themselves are hypocrites of the highest order. We have seen many posts of singletons moaning and blaming others for their dingle lives. Yet when they see a post from an available lady who wants a practicing religious fellow they shy away. You see sister, you will encounter many people who say its not an issue that you are a divorcee with a  child, but you tell me how many of these religious available young men even come close to initiating building a relationship. They don’t, because they are the ones who love preaching yet they don’t put in practice what they preach. How many practising Muslim men who are single and looking would have read your thread and thought its worth pursing?  I challenge those single men to post here to contact you. You sound like a lovely person and inshalla god will replay your patience.

Men who are divorced think

Men who are divorced think they have a good chance of remarrying as it's something they are brought up to think as they believe they will always have a girl to marry and parents will look for one on their behalf. It is socially and culturally acceptable. Alot of this plays on the part that kids normally live with the mother. Even if no kids are involved, the man being a man (( or parents for that matter)- as fathers go to juma and start their contacts there, it is not just all the mothers saying they are not wanting a divorced women for their son)  think the man  has a right to fulfil his duties not looking that the same rule applies to women too!

The men who look to remarry normally look to marry women who have never married or without children as less hassle for them.It is double standards If a woman is divorced and can't get married,  the men don't have the same issue as much. The men mostly do not want to marry divorced women, the parents encourage it. Even though they will state they are not bothered, how many  men have married divorced women....think and count the ones you know of. Apply this to women who have married divorced men and with kids!

You are seen as damaged goods as basically it comes down to being with another man and not pure sad to say even if it was done in halal manner. However, for a man it is not the same as he can have kids again from his new wife and not have his old life and "burden" of kids from the prior marriage "interfering" in his new marriage.

He can pop by when he feels like it to see his kids from previous marriage if and when it suits or society accepts men being divorced so can marry again.

This is totally wrong. As for men marrying non Muslim and looking for a second, third wife now who is of a Muslim background, yes they can mend their ways and start a new. However, so can  women realise she has made a mistake and try start a new  but still the same problem arises...noone marries her even though she's mended her ways.

The reason for this is the parents support the son for looking to remarry as he wasn't cut off from the society for living a haram life style. Where as if it were a women she is cut off and noone looks for her to marry again and parents have disowned her.

If the relationship was halal, the reason also for women to not get married as easily once she has kids,is the fact  she has had kids- the reason for marrying top priority is to have kids. Nothing to do with living your life with someone together and looking after each other. The reason you will hear time and time again is the men need to be looked after. How he will do this is by a woman who will be number one to him without someone with baggage.

Women can cook, clean for herself and can live with her family for stability ie parents. A man can't as this is what is drummed into their heads and the fact that it is a womens job.

Times are changing and because of a lot of double standards that have been going on in the community for a long time, you will now see an imbalance between male and female getting married and favouring one over the other in terms of cultural practices and what they now don't tolerate when lloking for a marriage partner.

Islam allows divorced women to remarry. If a man doesn't want to marry a woman as she is divorced with a child he is not worth it and you are better off with out a man with this thinking.

The problem is alot of people don't incorporate islam into their lives and is dominated by a culture and then try and enforce it as a normal practise and expect other people to follow this way too.

Islam has given women rights equally to men to marry regardless if  divorced, widowed etc

I agree with the extract of the book  above -love in a nylon headscarf. This is exactly what is going on.

 

 

Salaam to the divorced sister

Salaam to the divorced sister who commented above. My heart went out to you when i read ur post. I am also in a bad marriage with one child, and my husband is behaving like a non-believer. He has made some remarks about leaving me, etc. I am now living in "fear" incase he leaves me alone with my child.  I will be left alone with my child praying to Allah for good husband. But my husband can go off to pakistan n marry one 16 yr old virign after the other, and have as many children as he wants and will be praised for it!!  These men and their families seem to forget that they mite "win" in this life by ruiing some woman and her childrens life, but its the Akhirah that matters. One day, we will get to see their faces when Allah (SWT) teaches them their lesson.  Who knows sister...maybe women like us will get the best and most handsome "husbands" in the Akhirah to make up for the horrible so-called Muslim men in this life.

Like yourself, I am also a believing Muslim, therefore would only wish to remarry a man of Muslim faith. But the reality with Muslim men isn't that great is it? The reality is that it is much easier for a divorcee or older woman to get a man of non-Muslim background, because for some reason it appears that Muslim men are actually really backwards in their thinking and very closed minded. Anyways thats not good to us, being practising Muslimahs.

The irony is that Islam is against closed-minded and backwards behaviour.  Our religion encourages good Muslim men to marry good practising Muslim women. But the reality of today is that Muslim men and their mummys want them to marry "good-looking, youg girls from Rich families. Islam clearly states again and again  that you shouldn't marry a woman for her looks or wealth, but you should marry for her faith, good character and religion.  Real Muslim males are supposed to follow our Nabi Kareems (SAW) example and be good pious, practising husbands treat their wives well and with kindness and be forgiving towards them. How many Muslim men do you know like that??

Our wonderful Prophet (SAW)  married mainly divorcees and his first wife - the Holy Khadija was around 15years older than him. So all you so-called part-time Muslims men who pick and choose whatever part of religion that suits them and not the bits they don't like......you're doing yourself and ur mummys no favours. Your mummys are ignorant and going against Islam if they'r trying to find you rich wives so that they can tell everyone that thei daughter in laws parents have a bugalow in Titwood Road or Giffnock, etc. Why don't u Men educate yourselves and your mummys on the Holy Quran and the Hadith. Afterall these Holy books - in particular the Holy Quran was given to us by Allah (SWT) for guidance. Being a Muslim isn't simply about calling youself a Muslim or perhaps readin some namaz. Being a Muslim is about reading, understanding and following and living your life by the Glorious Holy Quran that Allah (SWT) has given us. Until you do that, your'e not really a proper Muslim are you??!!

Oh and did u know that when asked who was the best of men...our Holy Prophet SAW) said...  that the best among you are those who treat their wives best.   If more and more Muslim men would actually read about Prophet Mohammet (PBUH), they mite actually learn how to live like good Muslim Men.

Dear Brother, I am sorry to

Dear Brother,

I am sorry to hear about your experience. Marriage breakdown is such a difficult thing...and frowned upon by Allah (SWT). As Muslims we should not take marriage so lightly and throw it away so quickly. Both parties must try their level best to work things out. I must say that I am surprised by the scholar not approaching you - because it is important to at least listen to both sides of the story, and then try to resolve the issues affecting a couple.

Brother my situation is the opposite to you. i am an obedient wife who has been putting up with bad behaviour from my husband for almost 2 years now. but still I try hard to make him happy and ignore his bad behaviour, in order to save my marriage. In one way this has made things worse for me because he thinks that he can do anything to hurt me and i will just pout up with it! Can't win, eh!

 It seems that there are many people - male or female who are simply not nice people or good Muslims and do not wish to follow the right path that the Quran and our Prophet (PBUH) have set for us.

I wish there was more support for the likes of you and I who are being made to suffer by our partners. Also there should be more services provided by local Mosques,  etc to support couple, cousel them, advise them, etc.

I wish you and all the individuals like ourselves- who are undergoing pain and suffering- all the best. May Allah (SWT) be with us and guide us all to happiness.

Jakak-Allah

Salaam to admin, I wouldn't

Salaam to admin,

I wouldn't blame the Masjid or the massess. I think both sides have to give a littleand come together to find out where the problems lie on our communities. But to be honest with you, as a sister I don't find Masjids very approachable. When I was struggling to understand the namaz and had a few questions, I rang a couple fo different mosques. Firstly it was the Central Mosque...and the brother that answered the phone said to ring back next week on a certain day, cos someone mite b able to help me then!! I was shocked that a person answering phone calls at the Central Mosque in Glasgow either isn't capable enough or doesn't wish to help a sister with regards to namaz!

Now u tell me, if that kind of thing doesn't put u off getting in touch with yourselves, then what do u expect, How about getting some people who are willing to help others and are knowledgable about Quran and Islamic pracitces. Perhaps the Central Mosque should consider "educating" their staff on understanding of Holy Quran, Namaz, etc...so that next time a poor soul like myself rings up, they mite be able to help them.

Oh and when I rang the Masjid on Butterbiggins Road, some brother answered the phone and told me to send one of my children down to get a namaz book from them. How ignorant. I have namaz books and despite this I had some questions. Also i only have one child...and he is only 2 years old!! Now I can harldy send him down to the Masjid on his own can I?? So can u now see the level of "incompetence" or "ignorance" that us ordinary Muslims come up against with the Masjids.

Ur right about us changing our own lives. thats wot we all have to do. Islam constantly mentions education. Many of us have Higher level of Education such as degrees, etc, But the majority us Muslims cannot even be bothered to educate ourselves on the Quran. Wheres the sense in that?

Yes we can all recite beautifully in Arabic...which is great. But how many of us know what it means...or what message our Dear Allah (SWT) is giving us. Don't get me wrong, I did the exact same for years...so I am guilty as the rest of you. Alhamdullilah I am now rectifying this mistake by reading the Holy Quran in English and trying my best to understand it. It took me long enough. But I already feel that my life has become more enriched by educating myself on the Quran. Despite my having a high level of academic education, I feel that this is the best education I can give myself and my children. I am so grateful to Allah (SWT) for putting me on the right path.

My request to all brothers and sisters reading this is to please do the same. I cannot stress enough how stupid I feel for not having done so many years ago. and I am sure that once you read the Quran in Urdu or English or whatever your first language, your lives will inshaAllah become more enriched too.

Jazak Allah

Asalaamu alykum to the

Asalaamu alykum to the Anonymous sister...

Everything you have said has been Spot on... My situation was exactly that unfortunately,  and again my ex choose what part of Islam he would follow and what part he would Disregard!!

My ex partner started threating me about giving me divorce, and in a space of a year gave me 3 talaqs on seperate occasions..  Forgetting what l put up with the 3 years l was married to him AND his family.. But l still stuck through it.. For the sake of Allah swt and my innocent daughter.  Everything  was about pleasing him, his mum his sister in law and sister!  I done it all but in return got nothing in return for me.. Like you said me and my family were not rich enough for his mum. Everyday his mum made sure she would put my family down, because they were not rich enough! The last thing my ex said to me was "mum was right, the only reason you married me was for OUR money"  My Allah subhanwataallah knows the truth, till date he has given me no money or bought me anything!! SO how was l in it for the monye??!! This is what Mothers are doing to there sons Brainwashing them, but there stupid enough to believe it . The point is, if your partner is threating you with Divorce, sister then its just a matter of when it will happen!! (Allah rehm kuri)  But this is what happend to me, l got my first "To teach me a Lesson", the second again was "to teach me a Lesson" and the third happend so fast we both were in Shock!!

Like you said the only thing that makes me feel that bit stronger is that Allah is my Judge and he will give me Justice in ther Hereafter.. When we BOTH will stand before him and he will judge us both Fairly!! 

Divorce is not easy, especially on the Female the Mother the Daughter, we are the ones that suffer.. And the men live happily ever after..  All we should do is have faith in Allah swt, and not get disheartened by men like them who claim to be "Practising" who clearly are not..  And look for the REAL men that are properly practising inshaallah. They are the ones that will accept our child with a open heart and not look down at us because we are not "PURE". Reality of life is Allah knows best and we should just have faith in him..

I make Du'aa inshaAllah that things with you and your partner work out, try marriage counselling?  Me and my ex went only once, but it really helped me alot.. He obviously didnt like it because his wrongs were staring him in the face and he wasnt man enough to Accept the truth, so made up some rubbish that the Shaykh is from the "Wrong Group" lol ...  But if you can get your partner to go inshaAllah atleast that way you know you have tried everything in your power to make it work!!  The res is up to the one Above.. My du'aaz are with you sis

If the men are marrying young

If the men are marrying young and pretty girls then if Muslimahs did this I am afraid these men themselves ought to look in the mirror and most will find themselves on the shelf on the looks department if it was judged on this alone !

 You marry for deen as looks fade.

Please don't be delusional and think it is only the mother that causes the problems. The fathers are also in it and the masjid has become a hob for gossip and looking down their nose at other people and ignoring so and so due to grudges, not good enough for the likes of me etc. List their criteria to others of what they do not want in a daughter in law and others glorifying their son.

The masjid has to yet come to terms in dealing with women as they think every women has a brother, father, son or husband but the reality is not the case.

I have a friend who lives in Govanhill. She has a neighbour who has 5 children from different "Muslim" married men. These men have had an arranged marriage from the UK and  back home and play around and come home to the wife simply to cook and clean for them while they have fun and spawn their wild seeds.

When I met her neighbour, she was proud  and boasting  about her exotic kids and the asian men likes of Ali giving her money and treats her well who can't stand his own wife as he never wanted to marry her in the first place.When I heard this and all 5 children were from different "Muslim" men I was totally disgusted as these men are married and who knows what diseases they are passing on to their wives.

These men are the lowest of the low and makes me wonder how many more of them are around and marry to keep their parents happy while they have a bit on the side with Allah only knows how many more kids from different women. A non Muslim and  a kafir woman too is now preferred over a Muslim woman. The question is who marries the Muslim women if men in masses carry this out?

Look around you and you will see the answer.

You can not deny that we are back in the days of jahiliya

some very sad stories here

some very sad stories here and as a man im throughly ashamed to be reading this. ignorance seems to be the norm amongst not only the males but also the females. i just wonder how our parents managed to keep it together for so long. even in pakistan we all know divorce is so rare, yet here in scorland and Uk its seems to be so common. are we just too ready to split from our partners! and i agree totally with the sister that divorcee women have a worse time than divorcee men. and it all boils down to education, islamic and conventional. the boys and men today are just plain stupid. simple as that. the mother in laws (select) are even worse. show me an example of a man who has treated his first wife wrongly and been happy in his second marriage. rather, its the opposite, a sado will also be a sado. the argument also stands for women. it takes two to tango and whilst the comments above are of women wronged, there will be many  men out there that have been betrayed. but there are good stories out there too, of divorcee women who remarried and are happy in their second marriage. but alas i think we will all see more divorce in asian muslim households. it has become acceptable now. i remeber when i was a child coming home to find my mother crying and my aunties crying over the phone. i thought someone had died. they hadnt, my mothers neice was givena  divorce. it was like someone had died in our house. the girl was in pakistan, but thats how much impact it had. she is now married with 2 children. but my point is, divorce used to be the last resort. now it seems to be the first. I have heard the central mosque iman even stop tarweeh half way through one year and give a lecture on the seriousness of divorcee and how it should not be taken lightly. i have heard the MAdrassa Imam shout at his congregagtion of the impact of divorce and how the heavens shake when it happens yet still people are oblivious.

For all those looking maybe

For all those looking maybe try http://www.jimas.org/morndew.htm

Maybe a good idea to start a support group for all the ppl on here who have no where to turn to, come together and help each other in some way. Just an idea?

Salam, My parents are

Salam,

My parents are currently looking for me, and i have to be honest, the situation within the muslim asian community is awful.

There are so many terms and conditions attached before a person is even considered "worth a look", it is shocking!

It is all "looks, age, qualification, wealth" with no importance attached to Islam, or how observant a muslim the person is.

I think the muslim asian community - the "aunty-jee," person getting married etc - all need to rethink and get their act together because this is a very serious problem.

I am an Observant Muslim and wish to marry someone similar, regardless of race, but at the moment it is an impossiblity!

But is shouldn't be.

Unfortunately, because the whole marriage issue is being dealt with only by the parents and "aunty/uncle -jee", i think this method of getting married will continue.

There has to be a way of breaking the cycle and changing the way we get married.

There should be a "halal" set-up whereby single people in glasgow can pass on information and make contact.

I really pray InshAllah that this happens, and happens soon, because the current situation is horrendous!

Can something be set-up in this website?

A section for single people with password access?

To the note above. Yes we

To the note above. Yes we know this is a problem. The problem is affecting more females than men. For reasons look at blogs previously written. The solutions you will here are marry back home, register on a database etc. The problem with that is these data base have 90% females on it and the men on it will probably not be in your age group or are students from abroad.

If you are male and find it a problem, come along to the events in Glasgow if they run again and you can see yourself.

The aunty ji you mention will only pass you someone they have come across via a phone call etc and so don't know the guys/girls. Most guys unfortunatly  are stringing their parents along through this route. Also, those match makers own kids have found their own partners via dating through school, univeristy and work.

That is where people are now finding their partners. So if you didn't find via this route and not planning on going back home or marrying a cousin in the UK......join the club of thousands of other especially females out there!

Yes, we empathise with you just don't think you are alone and I agree 100% with you. Masjid Alfurqan has a database it is pioneering. Again, just be ready for the female:male registered applicants.

Also, Nur networks organistion, if it gets the numbers of 50:50 male:female attendents will finally be organised in January Inshallah!

I have just skimmed through

I have just skimmed through all of the above posts and can only add by relaying my experiences in the hope that it casts some light on this issue.  Many of you have made some excellent points and insightful comments on why we are where we are today.  In my experience thus far,  muslim mothers have a great deal to answer for, in particular the mothers of sons.  Again let me repeat that this is in MY EXPERIENCE.  Muslim mothers so over rate the worth of their sons (quite often to the detriment of their daughters) that  only a custom- made prospective partner will do.  I remember one mother rattling off such a long list of qualities SHE sought in a daughter-in-law that a long sufferring mother of an un-married daughter replied, 'well, baji i'm afraid you'll have to place an order up above for that one!   I'm afraid it is these types of mothers and their egotistical sons we, that is, my sisters and I have had to endure.  Although I am now married we are still searching for my sisters

Salam, I have read that there

Salam,

I have read that there will be a muslim marriage event occurring in Glasgow next month, i have never attended one before and wanted to ask everyones opinion on this matter?

I am looking to get married and struggling to find someone.

Do genuine, serious people attend or do these events attract the wrong sort?

Also i am wishing to marry someone serious about Islam, so my other concern is would i actually meet a practicing muslim at such an event?

InshAllah any feedback would be welcome, thank you.

This has been officially

This has been officially launched, so I wish you the best of luck:

www.madrasa.co.uk/marriage

I have been following the

I have been following the boards over the last few months, and I'm surprised that there are no comments inclusive of disabled muslims, hence I wanted to share my experience. My life could have turned out different had there been a structured approach to this problem within our community. I am a brother in my mid 30's, born and raised in glasgow. I had a great childhood and most of my youth involved in muslim youth groups. I am university educated and held a decent paid administrative post.

Around 10 years ago, I was involved in an accident that left me with some scarring down the neck and upper body, it also affected my immune system and left me allergic to many foods/chemicals. However, I plucked up great courage to get my life on track: being in my 20's I felt was the right time to get married and I gave it my best shot. I liased with imams, encouraged my friends and family to be on the lookout and joined various matrimonial websites. I did have the option to get married in pak, however my siblings are so deeply unhappy in their own marriages there, and with all the politics involved, its an option I did not like. My elderly parents having bought there nephews over with marriage to my siblings, were quite content they had done their 'bit'. I yearned for some of the 'parental presuure' so many people complain of. Potential suitors (the ones that bothered to return contact) used every objection, from level of education, job, area of residence, caste, where we came from in Pak, however I was under no illusion the real reason was always my health/appearance.

Over the decade, I felt myself growing more disillutioned with community to the extent, I drifted from my community and emersed myself with work collegues. Over the years, this lead me to numerous haram activities. About a year ago, having woken upto the haraam activities I took part in, I felt disgusted with myself and this lead to a nervious breakdown. I am now a pennyless and isolated alcoholic, and have no desire get be part of the community, or even society for that matter.

The reason I write this is to encourage young brothers and sisters not to have such a demanding checklist. Be realistic, if you see a fellow muslim that is honest, hard working, and fairly religious then do not hold off in the vain attempt for someone better, chances are they won't come along.

Brothers, chances are you may live in an extended family and have disposable income, please save this income for your future wife and kids, rather than your holidays to Dubai. Resist having haraam relationships, and then pretending to be pious and get married in Pak - Allah knows what you do !! Sisters, please do not use a brothers financial wealth as a first ask, with your help the brothers fortunes can changes. Dont let 'living with inlaws' be an immediate turn off. With wisdom and hardwork, you and your partner can save enough money to buy your own house in their close vicinity, rather than live with them. You too will be old one day !! To fellow disabled muslims, I would like to be proven wrong, however I don't see the community accomodating us in the near future. You yourselves will need to create forums and instigate this. If there is any demand for this service, and I too will inshallah help.

i totally agree !!!

i totally agree !!!

salams,   From my experience

salams,

 

From my experience the problem is loads of sisters say no from the start because they are afraid they will be rejected because of their looks and that will really hurt their feelings.So when a brother who hasn't seen them shows interest they say no from the onset.

We all want mutual instant attraction from the start,which is very unrealistic.

Some sisters say no because they think they can do better,when in reality they can't and afterwards they regret it,when it is too late!

Sisters need to get realistic and not be this sensitive.The more risks you take in allowing potential grooms seeing you the better the chance you have of getting married!

This problem will not be resolved soon.

bro in islam

The above comment, is this a

The above comment, is this a preception or fact ? If it is based on fact how do you know the sisters reject the men based on how the women themselves look? This means from your statement that women have issues with their own looks and insecurities on their own appearance.

If this is the case, how do you this fact what are you basing this on? Most women who are not married are over 30 years old. They do not have issues on what people think of their looks to reject men before meeting them. They do not care less if aunty finds them ugly or themselves as they are looking to settle down with someone compatible and this can only be achieved by meeting each other or seeing a picture if basing on looks and what information has been received on the other potential person.

Women you will find may not go ahead with seeing a family if they find out the guy is unemployed, or younger than him, or has had kids or if seeing the picture she finds him unattractive etc like the same with men.

It is the men and their mothers who say they are looking for a girl is who fair, tall, pretty,no glasses and now added to this be a graduate and work. This is passed on from the middle person or the family who phones the house informing of the exact criteria they are looking for. This is a fact.

I have never met a women who has said I am ugly or not up to getting married as I will reject the man before he comes as he will find me unattractive. It is normally of that stated above on those grounds but never on how they themselves look. I find this an unfounded statement.

omarinbox's picture

If I am penniless why should

If I am penniless why should I marry if only to pray for Allah to provide and not to provide a decent life for my partner?

 

Marriage is there as an option but what it means is being a burden on another. If I am physically or mentally disabled I will provide a further burden for my partner. We can point at the likes of Hawking etc but most disabled people are likely to earn far less, be unemployed far longer and be demotivated by their lack of success.

 

This would cause division between my family and the family of my partner if I was married, on top of the stress of the individual relationship the pressure of two families at war is what comes on the horizon when marriage is discussed in my mind.

 

If I could just live in my own house with my partner and look after it while she worked, that would be idyllic. But social culture dictates I must stay with my family and support them on the road to the graveyard.

 

i am proud of that culture and I will practice it but it won't attract too much attention from marital prospects in the UK. Two families come together traditionally and that means tribal war over everything from diet and hats and scarves to the children.

 

And its not good for children to see tribal wars amongst their family...or is it?

 

I mean they are FUN sometimes.

If social culture dictates

If social culture dictates that you stay with the family and support  them, ask yourself who supported your parents when they moved over to the UK? Most sent money back home.Once they had children it stopped or not to the extent they gave before they married.

Majority did not and left their in laws behind and also parents, . But these very same people are expecting their children now to live with the in laws until the grave when they themselves didn't. Islam does not say you stay with your family after marriage. It is not fard. You care for them at old age etc but even the prophet Muhammed PBUH did not share a house with all his wives. They lived seperate.

If you can not afford, rent. if can not affort rent, then private space should be provided for the married couple. This does not happen and it is expected that she then looks after her inlaws and takes over the household duties. again Islam does not say this is the role of the daughter in law.

Islam is dominant over culture and both do come hand in hand in some aspects but not in a way as people would like to assume.

omarinbox's picture

There was always someone at

There was always someone at home to support the families of those that emigrated.

 

It is not the case with me.

Yes someone back home 

Yes someone back home  supported the families of those who emigrated here, true. So those who emigrated here, why do they want to be supported by their family if they left their own behind. Double standards?

If they didn't do it and didn't live with their in laws and came here as a husband then brought their wife over, had children, why are they expecting their own children to do the very thing they themselves did not do?

They expected their own parents to be looked after by the remaining siblings who were left behind? Most of those siblings also went on to emigrate or married and moved out.

Not every family have inlaws that live in an extended household back home. What I find interested is those that didn't live with their own inlaws now expect it as their right as now they are getting old and want to be looked after. This is not the reason to marry off the sons. Are they looking for a nurse and maid? Is this the reason why they look for a girl from back home to fulfil the missing job role?

If it is then all I can say is Inshallah all the best. Everyone has a duty to look after THEIR parent not the daughter in laws, that is the problem. If anyone expects her to look after his parent then also expect the man to look after hers.

I have been reading all the

I have been reading all the comments on the marriage topic recently with great interest.  I too am one of the over 30 single ladies who has absolutely  no idea of how to go about meeting a potential partner and NO, I have not been too picky or said no to many rishtas over the years!  i have tried the matrimonial websites and even some of the marriage events and have found that they have far too many non genuine guys on them who give the genuine guys a bad name.  Yes we get calls from the matchmaking aunty jees but the call is never for me as the guys are always much younger.

However, I'm not going to repeat some of the stuff thats already been said.  We could all be sitting here till next year bemoaning our single status or we could at least TRY to do something about it, on top of the options already available to us (internet, marriage events, rishta aunty jees!!)  I mean come on!!  There MUST be single asian guys in glasgow who are looking for rishtas and who don't want to go down the arranged route!  I have a couple of single male friends (from Glasgow) that I met through one of the matrimonial sites that I have kept in touch with who are single and looking!! 

But we don't know WHERE to go and look!!  It might sound silly, but there just isn't anywhere you can go ( at least not that i know of) and just hang out and potentially bump into like minded individuals!!  I said to one of my friends that we should start to network ourselves and get people to complete a form as a mini profile and it was going to be free of charge and allow us the opportunity to network as well (since we are both single and looking).  Of course it might not have taken off, but he said no as it was going to be too much work for him as he was going to have the task of "screening" the guys and said there would be too many timewasters!!  (his words not mine!) and he said my job would be alot easier and the ladies are most likely to be serious about looking for a rishta!  so bang went that idea!!

But I still think that if a bunch of us who are genuinely looking got together to hang out at some coffee shop that we might be able to at least TRY to do something ourselves and it might, just might, enable us to maybe meet like minded individuals.  The rest would just be the usual-if u click or not etc etc.

I know that there will be way more girls turning up, but at least we are probably better suited to trying to do something than say for example, the rishta auntys!!  So if anyone is seriously interested in meeting up then post a comment on here and let me know!!  Like i have mentioned I have two single guys that I will drag along!!  who knows, they could be a potential for somebody!  (I might have to get them to turn up on false pretences!!)  similarly, if you know any single GENUINE guys then tell them to come!!  it COULD be a networking opportunity or the start of one.  Anyway, this is just an idea, which will no doubt be shot down by many!!  and if so, then I, like many of you singletons will just carry on reading all these comments and hoping someone else will DO SOMETHING!!!    So let me know SERIOUSLY!!!

from Miss35, Glasgow

omarinbox's picture

Where do you reckon then? I

Where do you reckon then? I quite like the cafe nero outside Queen Street Station, marked A on the google map:

 

http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?q=cafe+nero+dundas+street+glasgow&oe=utf-8...

 

And I just want to talk rather than arrange anything.

That sounds like a good idea

That sounds like a good idea to me as it seems there are way to many females seriously looking but unfortunately I do not know any single male or any male for that matter.

The situation has reached a diabolical state. No doubt some aunty or some Imam will complain about this "haram" gathering yet not really helping the real affairs of play.

I never said they think they

I never said they think they are ugly,most average people get rejected because we dont find them physically attractive.No one wants to marry an average looking person through the traditional/halaal way.This is a fact we know!!!!! Yes looks is subjective.Which is a mercy from our lord.Life is a gamble and we need to quit being so sensitive and take risks.

He/she who dares wins!

Why would you have to make

Why would you have to make the male friends you have come along on false pretences. You see this is also part of the problem. The men show lack of confidence or taking the bulls by the horns so to speak. Most females will be looking for a confident man who shows he can lead in the relationship.

Maybe this is why also they tend not to come forward at the events etc or anything to do with a face to face meeting. Behind the computer you can hide away. The minute a meeting is to happen they shy away?

Are these the same men who hide behind their mothers or sisters, female friends etc. We have come where gender roles are swapping over. As men are being less confident, more passive it results in women having to "evolve" and take the lead to get on with things as the men tend to hide become invisible.

Notice this phenomenon by seeing who actively takes leads and pushes for change.

I'm replying back to Miss35,

I'm replying back to Miss35, Glasgow. I am also one of those over 30 single ladies and I like your idea of meeting up. Hope to hear from you soon with more information on this. SNM

omarinbox's picture

Concerning halal, I think its

Concerning halal, I think its okay if an older sister, married, chaperones just in case this turns into an episode of Shameless, no matter how unlikely that is.

I do not have a chaperone or

I do not have a chaperone or anyone to take with me. However I do find this a good idea. If it involves having a mehrem to take with you then it rules me out as I have noone to take as parents will never come as old and have tried everything they could.

 This will leave people like me unable to attend. I am 36 years old and begining to wonder what I can do as a mature adult while young wee 20 something male bops go around or out late at night while someone like myself is "stuck" and needing permission.

Wow!! I see the response has

Wow!! I see the response has been positive so far!!  I'm joking when I say I would have to drag the two guy singletons there on false pretences!  They are seriously  looking for rishtas and the avenues they are currently trying via rishta auntys and online have not been successful so far.

I know there will always be someone somewhere complaining about this kind of meeting, but I'm NOT there to police anyone.  ALL I am saying is it would be nice to have the option of going somewhere and just HANGING OUT with other LIKE MINDED singletons with the added advantage that they are local.  I'm 35 and not a kid and my parents already know that I'm looking for a rishta and they would KNOW if a group of us did manage to meet provided there was enough interest and enough genuine guys that turn up.

So I would assume that anyone turning up is ALLOWED to be looking for their own rishta, as I am, and as I'm sure alot of the 30 plus ladies would be. So if my parents are okay with this, then (without sounding disrespectful) I really don't think I have to answer to some aunty jee somewhere who is unhappy.  Previous comments from the past have covered a myriad of reasons why there are so many older ladies being left single in Glasgow.  So I am merely making a suggestion.  So any aunty jee with an objection can freely come along and keep watch if she wishes to do so as I am not looking to, or going there to "mess about."  Any plans are going to be made on here anyway, so its not as if its going to be a secret!!  So anyone who is unhappy with this kind of gathering (IF it happens) can freely come along and sit there too!! After all, its your OWN time!!  What else can we do?  Stay single and not even TRY to find ourselves a suitable rishta? 

I have talked to so many single males online that are looking for rishtas genuinely, and like myself, pretty much everyone says, "where do you go to meet someone?"  So, I have made a suggestion, cos for me personally, it makes sense.  I don't go clubbing/pubbing etc and as i have already said the rishta aunty jees and online options have not worked for me so far. 

Also, I have been to 2 marriage events in the past in Glasgow and both had the usual drawbacks-not enough guys attending, guys being far too young for the single females there and some people (both guys and girls) just there collecting as many phone numbers as they can!!

To omarinbox, steady on dude!! im sure we will try to meet somewhere that is accessible to everyone!!  But lets just wait and see how much interest we get!! and grab your single and looking male friends if you have any!

Miss35

omarinbox, it's a public

omarinbox, it's a public place, what do you think can possibly happen?

I have not said ANYTHING

I have not said ANYTHING about chaperones.  I have said it would be nice to have somewhere for us to hang out and be able to talk to like minded individuals.  At the moment waiting to see how much response there is to this idea and obviously genuine guys needed if they are not having any luck via arranged/family/extended family routes etc etc.  This wont be any kind of official event where you buy a ticket!!  Come on people read and don't turn this into something else!!  I have no doubt a lot of mature ladies will be interested.

Miss35

omarinbox's picture

Hmm I was just wanting

Hmm I was just wanting somewhere to chat was just making suggestions to ward off the inevitable paranoia of the more conservative.

 

I want a nice informal open chat about relationships and so I'm not telling my friends yet I really need some sisters to get some advice from about my situation. I'm not ready to commit but I want to talk about what I should and shouldn't do. Who I am, where I'm going, what I can expect.

 

To have my friends there when I want to talk about the ins and outs of relationship is a bit awkward.

Miss35, I think it is a good

Miss35, I think it is a good idea. But on the negative side and to be more realistic you will find it will always be more female to male. None the less it should be encouraged to meet up even though the ratios are out as it means us single females can get together and hang out and discuss our situations and maybe leave and take from this a postive single female friendships who are in the same boat?

My social network had deminished as all married off so would be nice to meet other single females who are like myself and noone will point finger and say you are past it you are old and must be something wrong with you etc.

I am planning to attend the demo in George square. So maybe some of you guys will also attend and look out for each other there? 

You know these aunty women

You know these aunty women and those who have set up a bureau, their own kids have chosen their own partners and then phone your mums up and tell you of someone who doesn't match. Do you think they are making up for not arranging their own kids and trying to do others?

Some get back to you after a year after already calling before...what is that about...looked up black book and thought who was this number again let me phone and check?

I think it would be good to

I think it would be good to arrange  a meeting of single females and single males, just to try it out and see what happens.

Mister omarinbox, we need

Mister omarinbox, we need more guys to turn up!!  So tell your mates if they are also looking for risthtas!!

Miss35

 I'm well aware more females

 I'm well aware more females will turn up so if you know any guys that are seriously looking then get them to come too.  Who knows maybe it will start off with hardly any guys there but might change later on?  And if not, then at least we will have made some new friends which will be fine with me as we can still talk about what we can do to try to change our situations as lets face it- no one else will!!

Oh and omarinbox you need to tell your friends to come along!!

Miss35

omarinbox's picture

I'm not looking for a rishta.

I'm not looking for a rishta. I'm looking to discover what foundations I need to lay in my character to be a good husband.

 

Thats what I'm looking to get out of this myself.

 

Impatience and forceful behaviour is what messes up relationships in my mind.

 

But I don't know..I need some lessons and I'll ask some friends.

Well so far you guys think

Well so far you guys think its a good idea to have an informal meeting, so all I can say is put the word out to guys and girls you think would be interested as well. And where do you wanna go? I guess somewhere thats easy for everyone to get to?

Miss35

I hope not all the men are

I hope not all the men are not saying well 'm not looking to settle down just yet, but just see what is required to get married. If this is the case, some shiekh is doing a course maybe apply there. Men need to be a bit more forth coming they are becoming more of wimps.

Salam, iv jst caught up on

Salam,

iv jst caught up on all the msgs and i think an informal get together of single male&females who are SERIOUS ABOUT MARRIAGE is a brilliant idea!

Im a 28yr old female and can totally relate to the sister - guyz want younger girls, don't want anyone who wears a Hijjab etc etc

So count me in!

omarinbox's picture

okay wheres this course that

okay wheres this course that this sheikh is putting on? i'm sure he knows all about women's needs and reality and thats why you've got such a fantastic relationship just now...

 

...oh wait you don't...in fact you're generally annoyed with male behaviour towards women in a community where such courses have been going on for a while now....

 

maybe men and women DO need to talk things over before they jump into a rishta over a single meeting?

 

But if you don't agree I guess I can just forget it.

 

Violins.......and rollcredits

Now now guys-don't start

Now now guys-don't start bickering all over again!  it's not going to achieve anything!!  So glad that so many girls think its a brilliant idea, like i said-spread the word and inshAllah maybe we can meet up soon ish?? Would be fantastic if, like someone has recently said, we can find people that are serious about marriage.

Miss35

http://www.glasgowmuslims.com

http://www.glasgowmuslims.com/calendar/essentials-successful-muslim-marriage-course

 

This has ran a few times. Maybe this is what you are looking for. No doubt will run again. Maybe email and check or even for advice on certain issues you want to put across.

Hope to set a date for this

Hope to set a date for this in the very near future inshallah and see how it goes and how many people turn up.

Miss35

Hey all, have posted on the

Hey all, have posted on the other thread but in case you guys miss it have said that we are going to meet up in Beanscene on Battlefield Rd  on Saturday 26th March at 3pm. Hope all those who have expressed a positive interest can make it.  Guess we can see how it goes.  Let me know what you think of the date/time/location and if you can come.  We all pretty much know it will most likely be more ladies than guys but nevertheless we can still get together and talk as we are all in pretty much the same boat. Then see how it goes from there.

Miss35

Salaam All, I've only come

Salaam All,

I've only come across this forum today and didn't realise the problem of finding a partner was as widespread as it is. I've only recently started searching and thought it was more of a problem down here in England. I think we could use similar local forums down here as well. Good luck with your meetup Miss35 - would definately have tried to attend (and help improve the male:female ratio lol) if i was anywhere near Scotland!

Thanks for your comment. I'm

Thanks for your comment. I'm very surprised to hear you say that its just as difficult finding a marriage partner in England.  I was under the impression (as alot of other Scots are) that its easier in England especially if you live somewhere where there is a very large asian community.  But even failing that, there seems to be a lot more marriage events happening especially in Birmingham and London-there seems to be one every couple weeks! 

Fingers crossed for Saturday!

Miss35

England has far more Muslims

England has far more Muslims especially in London, Birmingham, Manchester, Bradford, Leeds, Rochdale, Blackburn to name the tops.

There are always some vents running and have a great turn out as I have attended the one in Manchester. They ALWAYS run.

In Glasgow it has only ran for a while and then diminishes. The events do not run on a regular occurance. Now they have stopped. the Nur networks were suppose to come to Glasgow in Novemeber but each time has cancelled. Now they are organising it again in Glasgow for May. When may Arrives, you mark my words it will be cancelled.

This has become the norm now for Scotland. We lag behind due to

A: Cultural importance over islam/ backward mentality

B: Lack of Muslims compared to England

C: Lack of get up and go

Hey, I was thinking of coming

Hey,

I was thinking of coming along to the wee gathering on Saturday, but it looks like most of you are a bit older than me. I'm early 20s (male) and have not been having much luck finding someone suitable. Battlefield/southside isn't really accessible for me either, otherwise it would have been nice to come along. 

I don't know who or how many

I don't know who or how many are coming. I guess if ladies on here are coming will say what their age is you might have an idea.  I guess I can only see how it goes.  Either way, its still an opportunity to network and make new friends at least, and If anyone meets someone who is a potential then all the better!

Miss35

Lots of girls in your age

Lots of girls in your age group,maybe try univeristy or work places as now lots are going to study these days and most people migrated from England or abroad after 1983 to Scotland. You should not have problem with finding many girls of your own age. Unfortunaetly is not the case for those over 30 years old. Inshallah all the best.

I watched the sham marriage

I watched the sham marriage documentary on panorama last night. It doesn't shock me that these things go on. But someone genuinely looking to marry finds it really hard and someone like this comes and abuses the system and the right of marriage into a mockery is just wrong.

When all else fails or those who are not willing to pay I just wonder where these men go to look for a wife if they can not afford to pay for a European for the sham marriage? As it is 5 years of stay to marry a European  and only 2 years to stay in the uk if you marry a British national. All because their visa is soon to run out.

Muslim websites, databases? You just can not be sure. If anyone likes to deny these things happen, why do they look for marriage here and not in their own country when they were residing there?

I just cant fathom it out.

Sometimes when I think about

Sometimes when I think about it, I think why would I marry me. I am over 30, not very attractive and not from a rich background.

So when I think from a male point of view I dont stand a chance of finding that diamond.

Don't think like that,

Don't think like that, 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder', not everyone is interested in looks and a rich background.

I then challenge if a man who

I then challenge if a man who is willing to marry an over 30 year old woman who is not attractive nor fair, slim and pretty etc and who is from a poor back ground, to write here and let me know. I am willing to meet you. If not everyone then someone.

Salam, just catching up with

Salam,

just catching up with all the msgs posted and wish i had read them sooner as would have liked to have attended the get together at the coffee place.

How did it go?

Is another being planned?

Unfortunately, no one really

Unfortunately, no one really turned up!!  I got a friend to come along so that made 3 of us having a merry ole chat!! So go figure!!  So even tho there are guys and gals out there who are single and looking, we don't know where they are!! I guess if people do not want to make the effort then we can all just carry on sitting here being single till next year!!   The response on here was pretty positive though but I guess, for whatever reason (s) folk did/could not come along.

Miss35

Oh that's a shame sounded

Oh that's a shame sounded like a very good idea.

Just a thought..but when i read that it was a Saturday and Afternoon i did think "did people turn up" because most people that i know, of my age group, work saturday..so maybe it was a time issue??

There will always be issues of days, but most people can accommodate time.

So, InshAllah if another get together was to be arranged we should have it at a time that is after work so that most people can attend InshAllah?

What does everyone think?

Would any day but after 5pm/6pm be more appropriate?

Don't feel disheartened Miss35 you came up with a very good idea and also acted upon it which most people don't do!

Thats a shame that not many

Thats a shame that not many people turned up. I would have liked to have come along to this meeting at the coffee place but wasn't sure that many people would turn up or how you would support the singletons.

The reason why people don't

The reason why people don't turn up is that they are cowards and hide behind other people to make decisions for them etc and can't do anything for themselves or what if someone sees me that I know. That Saturday prooved it. Not everyone works on Saturday, majority of people do not. If the day and time was changed the same thing will happen.

You can not complain and want your cake and eat it. If everyone had this mentality of wanting to come but then thought maybe noone will be there then no wonder things do not progress in society. Are we not strong in meeting fellow Muslims?  If people are looking to network, find a match then they need to be more active and confident. After all we are around 30 or over! If you are looking to get married, then decide what and how you are going to go about it as you have to meet people one day and one way or another albeit  in your house via a family or an event, masjid or matchmaker etc

However, if a weekday after work was organised I would be up for going and see how many will attend. However, if the same result occurs then all I can say is that the people on here have a cheek to complain or moan when an opportunity arose and they decided they couldn't be bothered. This is the type of can't be bothered, lack of activness I can not tolerate when others try to do what they can and it's like a slap in the face.

I am sure some have genuine reasons but there were some who said they would be up for coming but then where nowhere to be seen. All talk and no action? Maybe if another gathering is to happen, have the politness to say and not raise false hopes so that way if noone turns up then the one who organises just hasn't wasted their time and effort.

Question for you. What

Question for you. What methods are there of finding a spouse.

Salam every

Salam every one,

                                      I'm new to this website and I found the discussion quite interesting. I'm single again because I had bad marriage experience. I am just on my  own now looking to start new life again with some one but I found it diffcult to meet rigt partner/friends.Because people these days are quite shallow and they want so much.They focus on looks and income. I have tried to meet few woman but their behaviour was demanding and they though they were better than everyone. One had lied to me because she send me her friend's photo and she did not look the way in the photo but complete opposite.

I would like to join next meeting if anyone is arranging this?

Mr Alone

Salam Mr Alone. That is a

Salam Mr Alone. That is a shame that this happened to you. What alot of women are facing are that men in higher rates are looking at how she looks, what she earns, if her family has paid off the morgage, who in her family is married or not, if not why not, who is divorced etc. what her caste is, If she is educated, what her father earns, what her siblings do, who they married,what kind of house does her family live in , what her siblings do for a living, what the siblings partner does and who are they and their parents, if they married their own choice, who did the marriage etc.

All this determines if she will be successful into a marriage. I am not saying for one minute that women do not do the same thing with men, but what I am saying is that men are more prone to be looking at certain critera when looking to get married. Please remember that statstically that more men are married than women so therefore more women are single and out of those unmarried women, statistically they have never been married than that of men.

Men generally  prefer to marry  women who has never married, however the same is not said for women. Anyway one who lies about who they are is not worth it and count yourself lucky that you found this out.

It is a very difficult path now to find someone geniune, to find someone compatible, to find that person who matches you. It is not a matter of two single people and bung them together like most people think. Alot of factors play a part like how religious are they, what cultural value of importance do they hold, how will they want their kids brought up, will the woman work after she is married, will the woman live with her in laws, who will take care of domestic chores...50:50 or 100% the womans responsibility. How will  money be spent and if money will be sent abroad to family.

Please don't think you are alone as there are lots of others who are also alone and on top of it never married so never experienced it and they are in their 30's. We can empathise with you but all you can do is believe in Allah and kader, do dua.

An imam once said to me if you do not marry in this life, then may Allah give you the reward in the hereafter. Have patience, I know it is hard and I know nothing much happens in Scotland and the reason for this is we have become weak in an Ummah, we are no longer following the Sunnah and people are quick to dissolve relations and the divorce rate is now so high.

Please make use if not already but the hub of meeting fellow Muslims is actually where they gather this being the masjid, weddings,your own network although I realise not everyone has a network and that is why it is now harder for some more than others. Here you will meet fellow Muslims, other brothers. Maybe those brothers may know of someone. Please also note that many of the older generation will not be helpful as they will say marry back home or don't tell us as our children married their own choice or married a family member.

What I can suggest is what type of person you are looking for and what type you are not. Why your marriage was unsuccessful and how can you look positively into meeting someone else. Please also note it is not a blame game and things happen and most fall into a trap and blame women for a marriage not working out. Alot of women also know they get stigmatised so therefore try and avoid any type of subtle stereotypes geared towards them.

I can only presume that if a meeting went ahead, the people who are most likely to turn up will be about 28-36 years of age.  I do not know what age group you are but females tend to go for men about their own age or a few years older/younger maybe not older than a 5 years of a gap at the most

Also the women will  probably more than likely be educated and work and will be looking for a man who accepts this and will have views that fit into modern society such as living without the inlaws, meet friends now and then, look for a man who is willing to do his share of domestic chores after marriage as it is all well he does this before marriage, but he tends to take a back seat after marriage especially if he lives alone or with family. She may not wear traditional clothes of the motherland. However, this is not to say she dresses immodestly. She will be confident in her own right and have her degree of freedom of choice. This is not to say she is doing haram or is loose! She has the right to make her own desicions and a right to meet and go out such as go to visit friends, go to the gym, watch a film, travel, take walks and drives to get some change of scenery of fresh air etc

Who knows if another meeting will go ahead but the previous one was unsuccessful. We have to try a range of methods as the traditional ways to meet someone is no longer viable. However,  can still try to use them to broader the chances but other ways have also to be used as long as halal. Meetings can only go ahead if enough people take an interest. Also there has to be more people coming forward to make decisions and a balance of men:women.

If we get a good genuine response then maybe another meeting can go ahead in the near future Inshallah. Until then I can say those who bury their heads in the sand get them out as this is the only way you can make changes for yourselves and for others too.

It would be good to see how many will be genuinely up for another meeting if so, can you state your age, sex and number yourself. or can give yourself a name

This way we know no dublications are made and who and what we can expect to take things further. If not much of a response the it doesn't go ahead. Any take on this?

Also, everyone should be respectful of other people and show genuine interest in the best halal manners as possible. So far things in Glasgow, Scotland as a whole has not been very successful. This is a fact and not being negative. We have to look at why this is the case.

So myself, I am person 1, 35 years old, female Miss R.

 

Dear

Dear Anonymous,

                                    Thank you for your email and I am also 35 years old and I am divorced for 3 year now. I dont like to be alone so I am looking for marriage partner but I dont want to marry quickly because I want to get to know person first for at least 2 year because this was the mistake I made the first time because my wife run away with my children and we argued all the time so now I dont know where my children are. So tell me something about you are you looking for a marriage partner you seem educated and much understanding of the way marriages should be.

Mr Alone

Mr Alone, Islamically you

Mr Alone, Islamically you have a right to see your kids. Over the age of 7 becomes the fathers responsibility to bring up the kids. I know this is hard in the UK as the mother is given the right to her children. However, I would try tracing them via a family contact. Take some action against this as you have every right to access your kids Islamically and by British law.

2 years to get to know someone is a very long time, however I understand that maybe the previous marriage you had was not given enough time to discuss each others goals in life. But if 3 years have passed you must now know what you are looking for and what you are willing to put up/ not put up with. Ask the important questions out of the way. If you think you are not suited to someone on an initial meeting then move on.

If you talk to someone and think there is something to progress to, suggest another meeting, or meet each others family and see if their values match your own. Ask an Imam for advice or he can get to talk to others to suss out the family as he may know them from Juma, community etc. However, I do not know if a woman in her 30's will get to know a man for 2 years then decide if they will marry as even though they will get to know someone it will be either get married or move on. Maybe I am wrong but Islamically 2 years to know someone is not recommended.

The sunnah is as soon as you found someone who is compatible and rightous for you then you marry them. The engagment period should be short. This could be seen as dating so be careful how you will get to know someone for 2 years. Also, I do not think any parent especially the girls will be happy to let their daughter get to know a man for this length of time.

I am aware people date for a while then when it doesn't work out go back to square one. They will do this until they think the right person comes along. Alot of people have married like this and no doubt still be doing this method and at the same time  will still have their parents look for them too. If this is how people are finding if someone is compatible then all I can say is what you seek and how you seek it will be the results of a reflection of how and who you are.

Salaam all Just catching up

Salaam all

Just catching up on the recent comments.  Since the turn out to the meet in Beanscene on the 26th was next to nothing, I have not really bothered commenting or trying to set up anything else.  Someone had said that maybe the day was the problem but I had asked for feedback beforehand and no one gave any!!  It baffles me that we want to know HOW to meet like minded singletons who are serious and genuine about marriage yet when it came to the crunch, despite so many saying they would be there, that hardly anyone turned up!!

Miss R were u there?

Miss35

Yes Miss35 you and I met that

Yes Miss35 you and I met that day. Hope all is well with yourself.

Salaam,                      

Salaam,

                                       I dont think you are being fair because some people have jobs on Saturday or they may be too far to get to Langside or dont know the area very well and maybe worried they might meet psycho or strange person at the meeting. Meeting in informal way might not be good way to meet genuine person who is looking for marriage. Are you man supporter or women supporter what I mean is are you femnist? What your views on Pakistani men or British born muslim men?

Hey Miss35, sorry no-one

Hey Miss35, sorry no-one turned up to your event.

 

I guess sitting and having a merry old chat is better than nothing, at least you could discuss what a good partner would be or what you would expect from a partner?

I meanwhile was in prison after taking part in the cuts protests in London. I am currently out on bail and likely to go in for another couple of years soon.

If a time or a certain day

If a time or a certain day doesn't suit people, then I am sure they can arrange to meet at a time and place that is suited for the majority, like stated by miss35. She suggested the venue, date and day but no negative response was given so the go ahead went as noone objected saying it didn't suit.

If Langside is also not ideal, then people can also pick a place more ideal for themselves, nothing is stopping them from doing so and they can by all means have the abilty to carry it out if they so desire. The southside and westend are the majority of where the community live. If people think they will meet psycho folk or strange people, they can walk away or bring a family or friend with them. If they think they will meet strange people then don't leave the house as you are bound to meet strangers everyday on the street or on a bus, or coming to your very own house arranged by some match maker as they don't screen the people they pass to the family. We are talking about fellow Muslims. If those who are not genuine, then I am sure this can easily be sorted as you leave the area and call staff etc that you are being harassed.

The area will be very public and if you feel uncomfortable, then the easy thing to do is leave. If anyone is psychotic enough whatever this entails, I am sure you can call some help like the police etc.

It is up to the majority of people when they want to meet and where. Until then there is no meeting as noone has suggested a place, time etc. As the first thing you need to establish is how many people are interested, so far noone has listed this.

The previous meeting was informal as it was for only a group of people who want to meet up to discuss issues with something each one of us have to share on our experiences. If people make friends or some progress, then good. It is not a professional match making facility. If it is the informality of meeting people that you are worried about, then maybe this type of meeting is not ideal for you or the such likes.

If you would like a meeting, then maybe you can post the venue, time and place which suits you and see who is up for coming which is best suited to your needs.

As of the comments on being men or women supporter etc I am not sure what this means or where this is going but the meeting was open for both men and women. All Muslims regardless of race were also welcomed as I have a revert friend who is looking to marry and as far as I know it wasn't based on a race issue. The site is Glasgow Muslims and Muslims are diverse when it comes to ethnicity etc.

What each individual is looking for is a personal choice so I can not speak on anyone elses behalf.  Most  I would imagine will look for someone with similar views, lifestyle and compatibilty in finding a spouse.

What is suited for me and what I am looking for may not suit another person and vice versa. Until then, if another meeting is planned then I am sure those who are not flexible can arrange a time which suits and we can meet around their schedule if this is the case as anytime and place suits me in Glasgow. The ball is in your court.

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